All I Want For Christmas Is You

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I was such a happy person today. I went out around my house and took pictures of the snow. Then I built a snowman. It wasn't even really cold outside. When I came into the house, I felt like the house was way too warm, like I've adapted to the colder weather outside. :P

I want to reflect on my life, but random things always distract me. Tonight it was more just not -feeling- the past. I tried to force it out by listening to music I know I've associated with certain memories (I have my own Fall 2009 playlist).

Then I got distracted by a facebook conversation that has been going on and off for almost 6 hours now, so... there goes that.

I hope your holidays are going greattttttt!

Caught In A Life

This is not the right time for it at all, but I'm worried about next semester. I'm worried because I've taken on another load: a 9 hr/week lab position that, along with my schedule, means I have to be on campus by 8 four days a week.

Of course I am still tutoring and volunteering with Y-Scholars. I might work things out with my boss at the MAC if I can be a drop-in tutor and thus get more regular hours there.

I don't know, I'm stressed. I was worried about this semester initially, but the reason it went okay is because I don't have to wake up super early. I'm worried that I'm not going to be okay. I'm worried that I'll end up getting sick and messing everything up. I'm worried that I'll fail a class.

But I don't want to give anything up. As of a few minutes ago, I decided not to work at the bookstore at the beginning of the semester anymore, and even that made me feel like crying (over being worried about everything). Part of what has prepared me to be confident and pumped for each semester has been working at the bookstore ever since my very first semester in college, when I was still upset because things had not gone the way I wanted them to--not getting into CBS and not being able to live on campus.

I talked to my mom about possibly living on campus, but as usual, it just won't work. I don't know why I keep thinking about it when I come to realize it's out of the question each time. Especially now that I have Sam--I can't just leave a cat with my parents.

I just don't want to give up anything.

But if I do crash and die next semester for overworking myself, at least it'd be for something I value. And that seems like a good way to go.

Ugh. Sorry, I don't mean to be all depressing and dark. Nothing bad is going to happen because the things I love doing make me happy, and happiness is energy. Plus, I thought this semester was going to be the death of me, but I got used to it.

I just wish my parents understand everything more. That I've worked so hard and pushed myself so much. That it takes so much faith in myself to do everything I do, because I really am not that confident at all. That I'm able to do so much because I have great friends that make me happy and motivated to live life to the very fullest. That my life is amazing because I do the things that are meaningful to me and because I know the most wonderful people in the world.

Unfortunately, some adults live in a different world. I swear to all the greatness in the world that I'm not going to be like that in the future.

Song of this post is Donkeyboy's Caught In A Life

Down River

Tomorrow is the last day of the semester. Today was the last day of philosophy (and psychology--I didn't go because it was just a Q&A session). I have a biochemistry exam tomorrow, which would mark the official end of the class. I looked over the material and it doesn't seem too hard, thanks to Biol 2002's heavy emphasis on DNA. So I'm not frantically studying or anything.

What am I doing instead? I'm thinking about how great the semester has been, listening to the music that has been with me all this time, and probably going to cry.

I don't know how to explain it. I don't know how much context I'd need to give. I don't know how much in my life I have to backtrack to, to fully explain how much the past three months mean to me. This is probably the millionth times I've tried to explain it, but it's still not coming out right.

One thing I'm sure about is that there are too many people I'll miss so dearly. I will admit that it breaks my heart that Team 2-12 will no longer be Team 2-12. It is with the team that I've learned what biology is through working on something that we initially thought was way beyond our abilities. I'll always remember and be inspired by this experience the way my ambitions in philosophy traces back to the fun times with Jenna and Stephen (and the others) last fall. I'll miss my philosophy class so much as well.

Last week during my last time volunteering at Sheridan this semester, I was watching the middle school soccer game and the kids cheering for their team, and I couldn't help but think how fun and wonderful school is--and the kids don't even realize it. I don't blame them; I didn't realize it as clearly when I was in middle school. But it is definitely so much fun. Even right now in college, I still think it's so much fun. I guess it's different in huge lectures, but in classes where you get to interact with amazing people, it's really something. This is why I try to avoid big lectures. I'm glad I have two small philosophy classes (as well as Biol 2003/2004) next semester. It's going to be amazing even if I'll be completely nostalgic about this semester for a long time. It's going to be amazing in its own way.

Great news is that our philosophy study group is reunited again to prepare for the final exam next Monday! This excites me so much. Study groups are so much fun with the right people.

I just don't want it to end!!! Arrggggh. I wish I could relive some of the greatest times of the semester: the time Team 2-12 were all online at once to discuss the project, the two other times we were actually there together to work on the poster and to prepare for the presentation, the crazily intimidating times at philosophy club, the philosophy study group, the seminars at the U-YMCA, the fall cleanup at the most beautiful house ever, ...as well as the ordinary everyday things like walking into the St. Paul campus when the weather was still nice, and some other stuff I forgot to mention (like the times I felt like going crazy because of the intense studying, not to mention going to sleep at 8 AM because of the philosophy term paper)

Come to think of it, maybe a big part of it was something that happened on the very first week of class. On the first day, I had psychology and philosophy. Psychology was just a lot of intro stuff, but philosophy was different. We played a game that helped us remember everybody's name. We also went around the room saying what our each of major was. I walked out of the class thinking about how fun philosophy is for me, and how much the fun has inspired me. Scott, who I just met that day, talked to me and asked me if I'm a neuroscience major (I was the only one in the class). I said, "Yeah... but I'm also thinking of double majoring in philosophy." The following class, I ran into him again while waiting for the bus back to the East Bank. I told him I've decided to double major in philosophy--I started introducing myself as a "neuroscience and philosophy double major" to people from that day on. We had lunch and talked about a bunch of stuff. A great friendship has formed right there, but it got a little complicated because of some issue. Things have been better though, and we've gotten closer especially since last week.

I'm not religious, but I pray to God he doesn't ever see this, by the way. I'm so sarcastic and I give him a hard time almost all the time. It's embarrassing, but I'm sure many people (including Team 2-12) know that I'm not mean-spirited in any way (and based on pretty much everything, I'm sure they know).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm thankful for the wonderful friendships made this semester. I wish I've gotten to see "old friends" more often, but life gets in the way, and the very reason I'll have to say goodbye to "new friends" is again, life.

Life is bittersweet.

So I discovered The Temper Trap the other day, and I thought "Down River" is an amazing song. Listen:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2DluY5xnPo

Down River by The Temper Trap

Finally we have seen some things
Some awfully nice
Some dreadfully bad
But we will sing
Wash the blood off our knees
'Cause our love breaks through rough seas
Our ship will sail
And I don't understand how this world would work
'Cause time will tell us nothing
I'll take a chance on something

Feeling old, feelings this time take you
Down river, down river, down river, down
Walk these stairs, put the pieces back together
Go, don't stop, go, don't stop,
Go, don't stop now, go

Finally, we have seen some things
But bells in your hallways
Don't move you in the right place
So we will sing, cast our hopes out to sea
Through our hearts break,
Through violent winds our ship will sail
And I don't understand how this world would work
'Cause time will tell us nothing
I'll take a chance on something

Feeling old, feelings this time take you
Down, river, down river, down river, down
Walk these stairs, put the pieces back together
Go, don't stop, go, don't stop, go, don't stop
Go, don't stop now, go...

Let Your Love Grow Tall

I keep wanting to write a reflection about how my this semester means to me, but the words aren't coming out. I want to write about how it's been a wonderful three months where I've pushed my limits and realized how limits can be illusory--people are capable of so much more than the think they are.

Words aren't coming out though. I've felt a little zombie-ish lately.

But it'll come to me because good times don't die. Hopefully I'll be well motivated to prepare for finals soon. It's biochem, psychology, philosophy, then biology. It's an oddly ironic order, really. I'm super glad to be done with biochem. Neutral about psychology. But philosophy and biology... I can't believe they're going to be over. I just can't accept it. I've had such wonderful times. *sigh* If only I had the right words to really say how grateful I am for the past three months.

So how about I talk about something else that's been on my mind since a few days ago.

Where is the balance between emotional independence and dependence? I feel like love and trust involves the realization that you need that someone else; love involves trusting someone with your heart. In a way, having independence is like wearing an armor and holding a weapon to battle whatever comes to hurt you. But love means putting that weapon down and taking the armor off, and letting yourself become vulnerable to someone else. You can't put just a little part of your heart into it and call it love. It doesn't mean much if you're not willing to pour your whole heart into it.

Is it worth the risk? I mean, why let yourself become vulnerable, right? ...but how many opportunities have we let slipped because we're scared of getting hurt or scared of the consequences?

Where's that balance? Or do we keep juggling and moving along the rope, since the show goes on as long as the balls don't drop and we don't fall.

I have to admit I've forgotten how it's like to just be completely in love with someone (whatever the definition of love may be), and it's mostly because I've become a stronger and more emotionally independent person. But at the same time, there's been someone (right from the beginning of the semester, really) that's been making me question all of this more and more.

"Let Your Love Grow Tall" by Passion Pit

In pastures blue and green
I'll follow you and you'll follow me
My fabric's mystery
I'll wave your loyalty in the freezing breeze so desperately

And another one comes down
And another one comes down
And another one comes down

I think I see my life
He bows all slyly and gentle-like
He's never had the right
But I've never lived without his sad and jealous eyes

And another one comes down
another one comes down
another one comes down

They say "Let your love grow tall"
"Let your love grow tall"
Tall as the grass in the meadow?
Or the dunes on the shore?
Like the buildings in the city?
And your children on the floor?

But it's the thought that counts
No, quiet minds don't know their worth
They know now what to do
So I'll pray for them
And I'll pray for you till my face turns blue

And another ones comes down
And another one comes down
And another one comes down

They say "Let your love grow tall"
"Let your love grow tall"
Tall as the grass in the meadow?
Or the dunes on the shore?
Like the buildings in the city?
And your children on the floor?
Like the darkness in the forest?
Like my frightened worried eyes?
Or the roots in the soil?
Are these skies telling lies?

Life Is Wonderful

Yesterday I was "bored to the point that I could die." It got better when I came home and relaxed in front of the couch and watched "Ratatouille" then "Awakenings" (two of my favorite movies ever--"Awakenings" made me cry).

But if boredom and loneliness serves a purpose, it is to reach out to others. I asked Scott if he wants to hang out, so we decided to meet up for lunch today.

Except this morning was kind of a mess. The frame of my glasses broke, so I freaked out and tried to fix it. I missed the bus, so I had to wait 30 more minutes (at home--no way was I going to stand out there and wait). Then I lost my hat because I forgot I had placed it on my lap while I was in the bus. I stood up and walked out, and that's when I realized I forgot it.

Anyway, met up with Scott and things turned out well, except I'm so awful to him, haha. I'm serious, we've had a discussion where we told each other how we could go about killing each other (my awesome idea was to suffocate him with a stuffed animal). But our friendship is really something. I love how each relationship you have with someone is unique from others.

I went to my last ever Biol 3700 seminar. It was a little sad. Dr. Jane Phillips is so so so amazing. I'll miss her :(

Later I went to tutor. Ummm, Phys 1301W was the task. Obviously, I wasn't the most helpful tutor in the world because I didn't take that damn class. But my student appreciated me and wanted to meet again. (Maybe because I figure stuff out almost from scratch--going back to the textbook and explain stuff as I'm figuring them out. So I'm not intimidatingly smart or anything)

Then I headed home, except I stopped at Blockbusters first and rented a few movies.

Right now it's a movie night all by myself. It's quite relaxing, really. I'll make a call later on so I won't be too lonely.

It's a wonderful life.

Haha, yeah, I actually rented "It's A Wonderful Life" too.

Brooklyn

Here's how my week has been going:

Monday night - worked on my philosophy term paper until like what, 8 am in the morning? I slept from 8-11 am, then ran to the bus to get to my 12:45 class (philosophy).

I missed the bus so I had to walk a few blocks to take another route. No, I didn't get to eat breakfast. Yes, it was an intense morning.

It was an intense paper. I'm scared because I wrote on something the professor published, and I argued that his account is incomplete. Definitely crossing my finger on that one. I'm proud of it to the level that it's something I'd research more on and revise if it matters, really. It's 3997-word (lol I was 3 words under the maximum word limit, not including references and footnotes) analysis of how the discovery of the double-helix structure of DNA transformed biology. I wish I could have written more, actually. Condensing the history of genetics (and more) into 15 pages was like stuffing a hundred textbooks in a backpack... or something.

Anyway, I couldn't take a nap right after because I had volunteering at Sheridan (for Y-Scholars). It was so fun. Laura, Caitlin, and I stopped at the gas station across the street from the school to grab hot chocolate and coffee because it was so cold outside--it was a wonderful kind of cold though (or at least I thought it was). The kids were allowed to play in the gym, so it was a relaxing day. I like how one girl got all middle-school-y on us volunteers. She was like, "I know you like Shane. I know you like Mike. I saw you looking at John a lot." (These were the people that were either volunteers or staff there--lol, I was like "Who's John?") That girl was going to yell out "_____ likes _____" but it was super loud in the gym anyway so no one would have really heard.

Oh yeah, and Laura and I "almost died." Haha, not really. They were just having an indoor soccer game there and we were sitting on the sideline, and the ball came right around where we were so often.

It was fun. I'll miss the kids, though I'll be there next semester! Can't wait :)

Then later that evening there was the Christmas at the Y. It was our last seminar of the semester. Darn, this semester has gone by too fast. I can't believe it's over. No, really, I don't want it to end at all. *sigh*

...

Winter is beautiful. This morning seemed like a Starbucks morning, so I went and get a pumpkin spice latte. Later on in the afternoon I felt like it was still time to sit in a coffee shop and watch the pretty white grounds outside, so I decided to take the bus downtown to the public library around Nicollet Mall, since one bus there comes straight to the front of my house anyway. I had a LARGE chai latte. Awesome. I should hang out and study there more often.

As for the post title, it's from Wakey! Wakey!'s song "Brooklyn." I heard it on this week's One Tree Hill. It's an amazing song :)

Click: http://www.lala.com/#song/937030210442818802 (War Sweater will play, so you have to click on Brooklyn below... other songs are awesome too though)

The Saltwater Room

by Owl City

...
Time together isn't ever quite enough
When you and I are alone, I've never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
Only time, only time

When we're apart what ever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?
All the time, all the time
...

That is all.

Lions!

Oh wow, shall I recap how my Tuesday went?

3:30 am - I went to sleep. (I did take a nap from 6-9 pm, but I had 3 hours of sleep the night before.)

7:46 am - I woke up. Yes, I set my alarm at weird times.

that until 11:15 - Showered, ate, read for philosophy, took care of my cat, hopped on the bus, got distracted by my iPod touch for about half an hour, and then walked to cognitive psych.

11:15 to 2:00 pm - class

after class till 5:00 pm - got on the buses to Sheridan (my school site for Y-Scholars) with Caitlin, got there super early, stayed there for about an hour, hopped back on the buses (we had to transfer, hence the plural).

5:00 to 5:45 pm - planned on breathing a little, but then I checked my email and my tutoring schedule for the next few weeks pretty much shot me in the head. But I got back up because bullets don't hurt me :)

5:45 pm - bought a fruit cup and juice (what a redundant "meal") and walked over to the Y to chill and talk to anyone who happened to be early for seminar

6:30 to 7:30 pm - Y-Scholars seminar

7:30 to 8:15 pm - sat down and checked my email and Facebook, and planned my philosophy paper at Bordertown Coffee. What a cozy place.

8:30 to 10:00 pm - tutored at the MAC. It was an amazing session because 1) it was physics and I usually don't like physics, 2) I didn't even remember learning the stuff I "taught" today but, 3) I figured things out really quickly just by looking at the book for a few minutes, and 4) my student-athlete was so sweet. She was so motivated to learn and understood things easily. I'm so proud. Not sure more of her or of myself, but whatever. I'm proud.

Got home being extremely glad I finished my biology lab report early. I would have not wanted to work on that after such a long day.

So now I decided to relax a little.

It was a great day, by the way, if you couldn't tell. I still stand by what I told Keion today at the Y-Scholars seminar: classes are going great, and I know I'm probably not getting a 4.0 this semester, but I'm glad I put my time into all the stuff I got involved in (Y-Scholars, tutoring, etc.) rather than study so hard just to get perfect grades. It's worth it.

I've been thinking a lot about what Dr. Masino told our Biol 3700 class(Gateway to Research seminar) a few weeks ago. I was half asleep throughout the class, but I remember this one thing he said, that he chose neuroscience but it could have anything else in biology; any class he took was what he wanted to do for the rest of his life.

Spoken like a true academic, which is exactly what I want to become.

I've come to realize that just because I choose neuroscience and philosophy, it doesn't mean I can't pursue my interest in everything else. I've come to realize that it's never in my intention to ever to devote myself to one thing in life. I want to learn so much at such a high level, but I can never walk away from those that still at the beginning of the journey that is education--I love tutoring and mentoring people who just need to make it. There are those that get tutors because they want guaranteed perfection, but there are some that just need to make it because physics or chemistry or whatever is really not their thing. There are those that make it their goal in life to get into the most prestigious colleges, but there are more that don't even know if they can go to college. In either case, I think a little time put into helping the latter type can make so much difference. That's why I think it's worth it. I aspire to be a great academic (as a scientist and a philosopher), but I don't want to lock myself up in a lab or in a room full of intellectuals and be blind to the world out there.

I don't even know what I want to "do with my life," but my wish for myself and the world is an open-mind through education. I don't think everything that's happening right now in the name of education is true education. I didn't know what biology, or science, for that matter, really is until a few months ago. I didn't know the discovery of DNA was such a beautiful story--so beautiful it hurts.

I've rambled on quite a bit, and I'm really tired so I don't know how much of that made sense. It wasn't a waste of time though, since I decided to relax a bit during what's left of tonight. I'm not going to regret this.

While writing this, I was listening to Lights' "The Listening" album. The song that never caught my attention much suddenly stood out to me. It was, as the post title suggests, "Lions!"

Now, I read that it's about World of Warcraft, which I'd say is some weird game I'd never care to play, but I still this line is amazing:

You don't have to feel safe to feel unafraid.

iPod touch!

Haha, so I got an iPod touch and am now just being completely distracted before class posting from it. This thing is way cool though.

Hawaii Dream

"Hawaii Dream" by Mew

No more stories...
Are told today...
I'm sorry...
They washed away...

No more stories...
The world is grey...
I'm tired...
Let's wash away...

This is one of the most beautiful songs I've heard in a long time.

Listen here or an awesome live here

It's amazingly calming and reflects one of those moments so truly. You know, one of those moments where you could be happy or sad or whatever, but you just want a break from the complications of life. Like take a break from it all and relax somewhere.

I have so much to get done. I need to send out emails to faculty members, requesting for a volunteer position in their labs; that means I need to read their research and actually understand what's going on. It's a matter of finding ones I can understand, really.

And of course I have a lab report and my philosophy term paper to write. They're not all due right after break (THANK GOODNESS), but I know it'll take a lot of work.

Then we have that group poster for biology to work on.

And of course I should be studying biochem.

Exciting stuff, but I wish I'm not so pressed for time.

I'm tired
Let's wash away

You Don't Have A Clue

It turned out to be a good week. Studying for that biochem exam was an intense experience. I was so nervous like I have to give a speech or something, haha. Finishing up the research proposal with my biology group was fun. It was really fun. There's four of us that do most of the collaboration, but I think we're a great team. I'm so proud of our work. Hence the cookies I baked to class on Wednesday morning.

Gosh, I love college life so much. I love biology. I keep learning about how amazing it is, and that is pretty much the topic of my philosophy term paper. On Wednesday after class, I headed over to Borders and found a book by James Watson called DNA:The Secret of Life. It's an amazing book, really. I was a little shocked to read about eugenics, especially the whole deal with the Holocaust. But the science is really something. Biology affects society so much. It's all so fascinating.

Academic-wise, my life is amazing.

Family-wise, I'm not so sure. I just excused myself away from the Thanksgiving dinner that has been going on for a few hours because no one was talking to me anyway and because I was referred to by my mom as a kid who needed to go study. There was too much said at the dinner table that I did not agree with. Cultural differences; ideological differences; plain ignorance; too much. The bottom line is that my mom proves to me more strongly every day that she knows nothing about what I value or who I really am.

I work hard most of the time academic-wise, and she has no clue. It's not about getting a good job in the future. I study because I love to study. I love biology. I love philosophy. I love so many aspects of the various fields I had the opportunity to explore. I am a student and a future academic, and I see that to be what defines me. When I introduce myself to someone in college by saying that I'm a neuroscience and philosophy major, I feel that it speaks more about me than any other few words ever could (except maybe my name, but that would require that you know me at least a little already).

As the title of the post says, you don't have a clue, mom. You don't have a clue.

I'm listening to great music (finally bought Rubik's "Bad Conscience Patrol" album) and continuing with Watson's book to erase all the frustration I've faced for the past few hours. I'm going back to the stuff that inspires me and has always inspired me.

And ignoring the ignorance. I would talk, but that's not how some people operate.

I hope other people's Thanksgivings were good.

This Is Me, This Is You

Today I was listening to Marit Larsen's "The Chase" album while studying for my biochem exam (yeah, that beast). It's such an amazing album. I loved "If A Song Could Get Me You," but somehow I never paid attention to the rest of the album. I can't pick a favorite, but if I had to choose this one would be one of them: This Is Me, This Is You

Friday turned out to be good. I was so so so tired for most of the day, and I felt like biochem was going to slaughter me. Anyway, Tea Garden with Mae was amazing. I'm glad we got to catch up on lots of stuff, and I'm glad my mom forgot about me (yeah she did) so I was at school even longer. I didn't want to come home quickly because I know I'd be dead tired. When I finally did, I quickly had dinner and then went to sleep right away. It was supposed to be "early" but it was like 11:15 pm, which is not too bad.

I woke up at 2 am because I was dead thirsty. Then Sam was ridiculously noisy with his meowing. I was just like, shut up, I'm sure I filled your bowls of food and water before I went to sleep!

Most of the day was spent studying for biochem (obviously). I think I'm making good progress. I do love biochem, I'm not going to lie. It's one of those things that seem way above my ability--I simply could not see how I am going to learn and memorize all this information by Monday. But I'm definitely making good progress, and I'm ambitious about this exam. It's going to be good, or at least I hope.

I decided to switch my schedule up a little. I added Great Literary Works of Scandinavia, since Philosophy of Psychology is full, and I should be getting some lib. ed requirements done anyway. After this there would be only two left. Oh, and the literature seems super interesting, since we get to read fairy tales by Hans Christian Andersen and a philosophical novel by Soren Kierkegaard.

Plus, I've been obsessed with Scandinavia. I mean, look at the awesome musicians out there: Mew (Denmark), Marit Larsen (Norway), Rubik (Finland), and Peter Bjorn and John (Sweden).

I'm still half-debating whether I should go to school tomorrow at 2:30 pm to meet with my Biol 2002 group. I have to get to school at 5:30 pm anyway for tutoring. I want to study biochem as much as possible--I know I'll need all the time I can have. But they're awesome people and if I don't make it tomorrow, I might need to meet with them on Monday night or something, and I'd be dead busy then too. Hmmm... tomorrow it is then.

I've been thinking of about winter break, and this is not too good, haha. Ah, we need snow already!

Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of

I am somehow disappointed, angry, and ambitious. It's a weird combination of feeling; I love the ambition, and I guess anger is fine. I just hate disappointment.

I don't even want to go into why I'm feeling the first two, but what I'm ambitious about is conquering the upcoming biochem exam.

I haven't had much time to listen to music at all; somehow this song has been stuck with me a lot this week.

U2 - Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of

I'm putting this on repeat while studying biochem, seriously.

edit: umm, yeah the title of this post doesn't match the URL because I changed it, haha

ANYWAY, I'm feeling a little better. This song is magical.

I'm not afraid of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company

I never thought you were a fool
But darling, look at you
You gotta stand up straight
Carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere, baby

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I will not forsake the colours that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks, they left you with nothing
I am still enchanted by the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears, through your eyes I can see

And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now, my, oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm till you discover how deep
I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass
And if, and if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass
It's just a moment
This time will pass

In The City

I had a long day. I went to sleep at 2:30 am because I was up studying biology, working on philosophy, and going outside my house to watch the meteor shower (I saw 3). Went to sleep and got up a little before 8. Had class from 11:15-2, then I went to Sheridan with some fellow Y-Scholars (we had to transfer buses at Nicollet Mall; I love downtown). Got back at around 5, and I relaxed a little until almost 6. Y-Scholars seminar from 6:30-around 7:30. Study session with awesome people from my biology class from 8-almost 10.

Got home less than an hour ago.

Yeah, long day, but it was amazing. Being at a school site inspired me again. There's still a part of me that wants to do something related to education because I love teaching and learning. I love how much potential a student has; the possibility is endless and they just have no idea, but hopefully one day they will realize it. I love the school experience--the college experience is even better. I love the world of education and academia, period.

There were parts of the day that was not so good. Perhaps there is some misunderstanding with someone, and I really want to fix it. I've been so busy, and I'm still going to be so busy, but I won't bury my head in books and forget about everything else.

I'm incredibly tired right now, but there is more biology to study.

Post title comes from The Jam's "In The City," because I love the city. Haha.

City and the Streets

Today I went shopping. I, as usual, could not resist buying a book when I walk into a bookstore, especially if it's a used book. I got a hardcover copy of Oliver Sacks' The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat, since my psychology teacher keeps bringing up his name. I wish I had more time to read. There are books I've bought and not yet read (or finished). There are books I had heard of that I'd love to read. A lot of what would be on the list are philosophy books, which are so darn difficult to read.

I came home and realized I have about $25 left before the amount of my money goes down to a level I don't ever want it to be. Yikes. I mean, I keep my account way above what I'd really need, but I still don't like this. I was going to make an Amazon order of various books and CDs. Of course, I ended up not doing that. *sigh*

I'm getting paid soon, and by the end of the week I would be submitting in another paysheet, plus I'll be getting my allowance. I just don't want to rely on that and decide to spend money freely, you know?

I decided to count my huge bowl of coins and realized I have at least $30 in coins, so I'm seriously going to pay everything in coins until they disappear. Well, maybe the quarters and dimes. I don't want to overdo it. Those things are heavy to carry around.

...did I mention that Passion Pit's "Manners" and Rubik's "Dada Bandits" albums are super amazing? See, I wanted to grab Rubik's older album off iTunes, but I can't, arrrgggghhhh...

Rubik - City and the Streets

Change

I'm happy. As if the semester hasn't been going well enough, today was seriously amazing.

You know one of those days where u have coffee/tea with a great friend (or more than one)? And it's not exactly super warm outside but you're just running (or walking fast) all over with a great friend? Talking so much about things that other people won't understand (and making fun of each other)?

I'm in love with life.

I'm also happy because I watched one biochem lecture (but jeez, it took forever because I paused to take notes from almost all the slides), I think I did a good job with our biology assignment, I saw Mae and got the bracelet she made :), I'm seeing Jenna and Stephen tomorrow and getting FREE COFFEE, and philosophy class was also super awesome today. I'm going to miss all the wonderful things associated with this semester so much. I don't even want to THINK about the time when I'll graduate or anything. Can everything just stay with me here in Minneapolis for the rest of my life? College is so amazing.

Here's a happy song for the post:

Change by Taylor Swift

And it's a sad picture
The final blow hits you
Somebody else gets
What you wanted again
You know it's all the same
Another time and place
Repeating history
And you're getting sick of it

But I believe in whatever you do
And I'll do anything to see it through
Because these things will change

Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up
To hold us back
Will fall down
It's a revolution
The time will come for us to finally win
We'll sing hallelujah
We'll sing hallelujah, oh

So we've been outnumbered
Raided and now cornered
It's hard to fight
When the fight ain't fair

We're getting stronger now
From things they never found
They might be bigger
But we're faster and never scared

You can walk away
Say we don't need this
But there's something in your eyes
Says we can beat this
'Cause these things will change

Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up
To hold us back
Will fall down
It's a revolution
The time will come for us to finally win
We'll sing hallelujah
We'll sing hallelujah, oh

Tonight we'll stand and get off our knees
Fight for what we've worked for
All these years
The battle was long
It was the fight of our lives
But we'll stand up, champions tonight
It was the night things changed

Can you see it now?
The walls that they put up
To hold us back
Fell down
It's a revolution
Throw your hands up
'Cause we never gave in
We'll sing hallelujah
We sang hallelujah
Hallelujah

In My Life

Human relations is such a beautiful thing. I'm referring specifically to friendship.

Have you ever gotten to know someone and felt like you've known them forever after just a few conversations? It's like, if our lives aren't so busy and complicated, we would probably take the time to talk on forever about everything out there--everything in our lives, everything in the world.

This semester I've experience such friendship. I'm experiencing it, I should say. We had two conversations that probably lasted about 20 minutes each, and then we sorted of drifted apart (partly because of one little complication). But it's like the connection that formed quickly back then never faded away. When we get to talk even just a little, it's like we've known each other forever. I feel like I understand and appreciate the person the way others probably don't. I can be so open and honest, and I don't know if the feeling is mutual, but I really value this connection we have.

I'm reflecting on this because I'm really happy about today. I think we're getting closer once again.

I have such wonderful friends, even though I don't see any of them enough because of our busy lives and all. I used to think that the ideal version of myself is one that is completely independent, but in the past few years I've come to learn that I am happiest when I know that I have people I can rely on, not just when in trouble (I'm rarely in trouble) but to make me feel inspired and not lonely. It can be just from seeing little things on Facebook and whatnot. You know, just knowing they're there in your life, in some way or another.

People aren't meant to be alone. Believe me, I've experienced some very lonely years in the past 4 years. I can honestly say that life changed for the better because of the amazing people that walked into my life and those that I've gotten to know better throughout the years.

But I am scared of losing people from my life. I am scared of a new semester replacing my current life where I see people I see in my everyday life this semester. I know there are things that probably won't go away, but I'm afraid of little friendships turning into awkwardness.

But there is still time, and I'll live it and appreciate it, and I'll encode these wonderful days into my memory (with the help of great music--they really do help).

Aren't there times when you wish life could go on forever?

Anyway, bed time. I'm dead tired.

...Beatles' song reference in the post title. Awesome or what?

Friday I'm In Love

One of my favorite songs ever ever ever ever ever.

I don't always look forward to Fridays because I have a lot of free time and it's the weekend so I feel obligated to do a lot of work (and not waste the time).

But yesterday I realize it's great to chill a little. I only have one class that is just a 1-credit/S-N seminar on getting into research. It's pretty fun. My professor was extremely hilarious yesterday. We were discussing lab safety, and she made it so funny (and awkward sometimes).

Met up with Stephen (and sadly no Jenna again) at Mapps as usual. I love that place. It's a coffee shop on the West Bank, if you don't know. I met some of Stephen's friends and later we went to another of his friends' apartment. Haha, I won a game of poker. I'm proud of myself. It was really fun. Reminds me how I need to have more of a social life (and encourage someone else to do so as well).

I took the city bus home at night (late at night) for the first time. It wasn't a big deal. I mean, I saw a drunk person doing weird things like walking into the middle of the street and then coming back to the sidewalk when a car comes by, and then kicking stuff into the street. But overall it was fine.

Tomorrow I have to tutor for at least three hours (three students one right after another--physics then chemistry then physics again. I don't mind though. By the way, if you search for my name at the university website, they actually list my job at the MAC down under my profile. It's so cool :)

Tutoring rocks. Seriously. I mean, ideally I'd like to do a better job. But individualized attention in learning is an amazing thing. One of these days I'd like to read up on the philosophy of education.

Oh, and philosophy club next week! Except... I might have to skip a Y-Scholars seminar to go, but I'm more inclined to go to phil. club...

Start To Melt

Mediocre test scores ruined my day. Seriously. I don't know what bothered me more, the test scores themselves or the fact that they weren't that bad but I'm upset over them. I felt like a failure earlier today.

I have to admit that I haven't been trying my best lately, even though it's not like I get to sleep before 1:30 AM anymore. I finally got assigned a school site for Y-Scholars, and I got three more tutor requests in the past week. I only declined one because it is at an inconvenient time, but I told the person to contact me back if none of the other tutors are available. I don't know why I did that, really. I'm going crazy as it is.

I mean, I live at home but I had a meal with my mom for the first time in at least a week because each of us is so busy, but it's mostly me having weird eating schedules and, yeah, being busy.

The good news is that I'm really proud of my biology write-up. Now I'm working on polishing up my resume for my gateway to research seminar.

Post title is Peter Bjorn and John's "Start To Melt," simply because it's amazing and it's been in my head a lot lately.

Little Secrets

I'm listening to Passion Pit's "Little Secrets." An appropriate title, sort of, because I discovered/realized something quite horrible about myself today: I have a bad relationship with coffee. I feel more confident when I'm "high on caffeine," and this morning I deliberately had a huge cup of coffee just to get that effect, and it was achieved; I spoke up a lot in my psychology class. It even felt a little weird because when I was talking I feel like I was hearing someone else talk. But I felt smarter and more confident, and overall I know I like that "me" more.

I mean, it's just coffee (it's debatable what "just" really entails here).

But isn't this the exact same reason people do drugs/alcohol? It's scary when I think about it.

Good thing philosophy gives me the same effect sometimes. Philosophy is physically harmless (and mentally healthy, I would argue).

Time to work on biology.

Live Forever

This is how I feel right now. Haha, I know this doesn't say much without me going into the details, but I don't feel like going into the details. All I will say is that it's not a new feeling at all. This song has been with me ever since I heard it during the summer.

Live Forever by Oasis

Maybe I don't really want to know
How your garden grows
I just want to fly
Lately did you ever feel the pain
In the morning rain
As it soaks you to the bone

Maybe I just want to fly
I want to live I don't want to die
Maybe I just want to breathe
Maybe I just don't believe
Maybe you're the same as me
We see things they'll never see
You and I are gonna live forever

Maybe I don't really want to know
How your garden grows
I just want to fly
Lately did you ever feel the pain
In the morning rain
As it soaks you to the bone

Maybe I will never be
All the things that I want to be
Now is not the time to cry
Now's the time to find out why
I think you're the same as me
We see things they'll never see
You and I are gonna live forever
We're gonna live forever
Gonna live forever
Live forever
Forever

Radiants

Much of this weekend was put into working on an assignment for Biol 2002. It's quite a pain, but I'm proud of myself. It feels amazing to be putting in tons of citations, all of which are scientific papers. It's pretty cool.

I discovered one of the most amazing bands I've heard in a long time (and I've discovered lots of great bands this year).

Check out Rubik. They're a Finnish band, but the songs are in English. Their "Dada Bandits" album is AWESOME! No, seriously, you need to listen to it. My favorite songs are "Radiants," "No Escape," and "Wasteland," but the entire thing is really really really really good. I can't stop listening to the album.

White Lips Kissed

Excuse my language, but I walked out of my house today thinking: fuck depression, I have a great day at school ahead and an exciting future to look forward to. I know it rained later on in the day, but it was so nice and sunny outside. It was wonderful.

See, I'm definitely my better self when I'm on campus. Even walking around makes me feel inspired--I shouldn't say "even;" it's walking around that inspire me. I like beauty of the city and campus, especially now in the fall, although every season has its own charm. I like seeing people everywhere; it's a little lonely during the evenings and weekends when places are empty and everything is closed.

I love college. So much.

And Mew's "White Lips Kissed" is an amazing, amazing song.

Comforting Sounds

It's been a busy week. Philosophy midterm of Tuesday and psychology midterm today. The whole sleeping for 4-5 hours each night thing is getting to me. I've been completely exhausted during the day, and I couldn't sleep early at night because I had things to do--when I sleep before finishing my work, I end up waking up very early anyway. I went to sleep at about 2:30 last night, but I didn't finish everything I had to get done, so I woke up a few minutes before I set my alarm for (7:40 something; I don't know what it was because I always set it at weird times). And now I'm sort of done for the week. I mean, I have things I could be doing but I'm relatively free right now. At first I wanted to go shopping a bit, or maybe just go straight home to sleep. I decided to sit down at this computer lab to reflect on things a little.

I'm definitely having the withdrawal from a busy week. It's like, now what? Give me something to do! I don't want to sleep!

Well, I am tired, and I wish I could sleep, but have to admit I'm afraid of going home and being alone right now. Last night was just weird. I realized how wrong I've been about certain things. I realized how it's so hard to explain my happiness to others that now I question whether it was really happiness--whether this is really what I want. I judge others' happiness with my own ideals, under the assumption that they're not as ideally driven.

And it's all wrong.

And I realize the only thing I'm losing by being so busy with school/work/volunteering is not just sleep. I feel like I'm losing connection with people. I don't mean connection as in how much or how often we talk, although that is a little bit of a problem too. I mean how I relate and empathize with people. Maybe I've gained a little too much confidence that is illusory--I'm not more emotionally independent; I just more people in my life to bounce off of.

See, I don't even know what to write anymore at this point. I'm still debating whether I should go home right now.

You know what I really need right now? I need Mew's "Comforting Sounds." It's such a wonderful song to reflect upon because it ends with minutes and minutes of instrumentation that just leaves you to think. No words. Just... thoughts. Emotions. Whatever.

I don't know. I don't feel all right.

Edit:

I decided to go to Rosedale and get a new pair of boots, since I have a $20 off coupon anyway. It's lovely. I love it.

I got a book and one magazine about the brain that wasn't actually worth $7-8 at all. The stuff they write about in popular psychology/neuroscience is always the same.

My laptop is failing me. My files are okay--I backed them up in safe mode. I just don't want the laptop to die though. I'm on an older computer now.

Wow. It's midnight. I was supposed to be sleepy, but I guess I am actually not so right now. Hopefully tomorrow will be full of productivity.

Hallways

I know that I am young, but I will love another. And I know
that I’ll have fun, fun enough to bother, All the places I would
go where no one else could follow, in the long hallways of my
life.- "Hallways" by Robert Francis

Wow, this sounds so weird but I had the best studying experience of my life. Philosophy is awesome. It is inspirational. It is fun. It is everything to me.

Now I'm so tired, but I have some homework to do. Biology post-lab questions and some planning before I meet with my team tomorrow. I love my team. I have to study for psychology and read & answer questions for philosophy as well. Busy busy busy week, but I'm loving it.

But is that good? I'm too busy living my happy (for the most part) life while several important people in my life are not exactly their happiest. I feel like something is incomplete there.

Arrggh, I don't know what to say. I'm really tired and I have homework. Until next time.

Time to Pretend

Today was the U-YMCA fall clean-up, and it was seriously one of the best Saturdays I had as far as I could remember. In fact, it was one of the best days I've had this semester, and I've been having such amazing days.

See, I was not exactly looking forward to it at first because I knew it was going to be tiring, and it was, but from the moment I arrived at the Y and found my fellow Y-Scholars, I felt a lot better (people from other programs greatly outnumber us even though we're obviously the best ones :P). It was even better than my clean-up group consists of 3 of us Scholars (Ariel, Forrest, and me) and Megan from Tutors, who we never met before, but she's great.

MGMT's "Time to Pretend" was playing in Megan's car, and I love that song, hence the post title.

It was so funny that we went to the wrong house at first because we assumed the first digit on the mailbox was faded off (we went to house number 2 rather than 12). We were there in the car, writing in the thank you card, when a woman came out and was like, "Can I help you?" It was so funny because we were admiring the house--it was such a beautiful area, especially now in the fall. It turned out that the actual house was even prettier. Seriously. It's one of the most beautiful houses I've ever seen, and it's not because it looks super luxurious or anything. The house itself was small, but the yard was huge and the entire place felt like a forest every kid would dream of running around in. Christine and her husband, the house owners, were such sweet people. They bought pizza for us and even gave us the leftovers.

After four hours of raking leaves, I still felt energetic, but it wasn't long before the soreness comes. My back hurts so badly right now. I took a 2.5-hr nap, so I'm not exhausted anymore, but my back hurts like hell. So does my arm. Arggh.

The weather was amazing too. It was such a gorgeous day.

I think raking leaves in a fairy tale-esque forest-like place is the ultimate autumn experience... which reminds me, I need to get out there and do some autumn photography before all the leaves fall! I just fell in love with autumn.

And I have to admit I haven't been very positive about Y-Scholars this year, since it's not as how I remember it last year. But today I realize we're still our close-knit group, new members are now a part of us, and I absolutely love being a part of it. I really want to get involved more next year as a staff.

On a separate note, I hate how I can't check my email right now because of the university IT outage. I need to get in touch with my philosophy peeps, and this is not helping. I hope we're still able to meet tomorrow.

I'm going to work on my psychology homework and then do some more studying for philosophy. Cheers to a wonderful weekend.

Wild Young Hearts

It's Friday morning (1 AM), but this post is about Thursday. It turned out to be a wonderful day despite the lack of dinner sleep + lack of breakfast + lack of any real food until about 4 + feeling so tired/sleepy by late afternoon that I thought I was going to fall over while waiting for the bus.

It was a wonderful day because my philosophy class is amazing. Our professor was away (he told us he would be away), so we worked on our discussion project on our own until the last minute of class. Well, okay, I was kind of chatting with my group about random things like fake Chinese food, but the point is that we were there and it was fun. See, this is what I love about philosophy. People are actually in it because they love it. I can't say this about the majority of the science and engineering (and business) majors at all. I love philosophers because we're so intelligent and motivated, even though we don't have the best GPA. I don't mean philosophers as in philosophy majors; my class consists of half philosophy majors and half biology majors (I'm glad I fit into both categories). I'm referring to anyone who loves philosophy, and I think that includes all of us.

I can't wait for our study group tomorrow, errrm, later today. Haha, I'm so eager to study, but hey, hating on studying doesn't always make you cool. I studied so hard for biochem because I have a midterm at 9 AM, and I feel so proud of myself. I'm actually pretty good at memorizing chemical structures. I think I should start studying even earlier next time.

So as I mentioned above, I came home feeling so tired. I took a nap, and amazingly it was only 2 hours until I woke up feeling completely awake again. Now it's 1 AM and I'm still okay. I have to wake up around 5-6 so I am thinking about not sleeping. Hmmm. I don't know if that will be a good idea, especially since I haven't been getting much sleep in the past few nights, but I feel well-motivated.

I listened to Noisettes' "Wild Young Hearts" album again while studying. It's so good.

Damn this wild young heart...

Higher than the Stars

Song of the post: Higher than the Stars by The Pains of Being Pure at Heart

What a great song.

Wow, what a day. I woke up feeling not too well. Like I said before, I hardly ever get sick anymore, but sometimes my head would feel funny. Somehow I became a little crazy today in BIOL 2002, haha, but my team members are awesome.

I had concept lab from 10:40-12:35 (except we had a lot of free time today, so we just chatted for about half an hour--I was having dumb arguments with Udi, who probably think I have issues/OCD/ADHD and is overall crazy now, haha.)

Then I had lab from 12:50 to 3:50, but it actually went until 4:30. Ugh. I can't believe I was in that building for six hours. Of course it wasn't better when I came out because it was raining and it was cold. I quickly grabbed a Subway and then headed over to the East Bank to tutor chemistry. Then I had a large cup of iced mocha from Starbucks before coming home because I know I'll need it. I have a report to write and an over 20-page paper to read (plus answer questions) for philosophy, and I have to study for biochem, which is giving me a hard time right now.

Tomorrow will be full of studying (for biochem), and Friday will consist of running around a lot (biochem exam -> tutor ochem -> tour of a research lab -> class -> meet with cool people to study for our philosophy midterm). Saturday will be tiring because of the fall clean-up with the U-YMCA, and hopefully the weather will be nice for that. Sunday has been following the same routine of reading for biology and tutoring physics.

I'd like to write more, but I have a lot to get done, and I should do that before the caffeine wears out, haha.

Honestly, caffeine and sugar doesn't compare to reading awesome philosophy. Reading even just a few pages from Thomas Nagel's The View From Nowhere has been getting me all excited and motivated to study. I don't know... one of the reason why I wanted to study neuroscience is because I thought it could explain so much. It's being exposed to Nagel's philosophy that changed my view on how much science can tell ever tell us, and it doesn't bother me at all.

But... I really should get busy right now, so I'll expand on this at another time.

Before Nightfall / The Listening

I just bought two awesome albums from iTunes, and I'm advertising them because they are really good.

One is Robert Francis' "Before Nightfall" (the single "Junebug" is free this week, so you can even just grab that--I decided to buy the entire album based on that, actually)

The other is Lights' "The Listening." I got her "Saviour" (she's Canadian, hence the spelling) EP a while back, and I've been listening to both "Savior" (the song) and "The Listening" (also the song, jeez, all the titles make things confusing, haha). She's like the female version of Owl City, and they're actually touring together soon, which is awesome minus the fact that I don't see a MN date :( though Lights will be here on her own at the end of the month...

Here's "The Listening."

Boring part of this post: I'm writing a lab report and has to go back to it now, while listening to the music I mentioned above.

Living In The Sky With Diamonds

Yay, it's Friday! I had no class today, but I was occupied for most of the day anyway. Here's how it went:

10ish: arrived on campus and ate yet another bagel + drank a cup of coffee; prepared for tutoring

11-12:10: tutored OChem. I think it went fairly well. To be honest, I learned a lot of stuff I never knew before last night. If it seriously didn't do anything for my student (which I highly doubt because I don't think I'm that stupid), it did help me.

-fill out tutor form and walk/bus back to Coffman (the place where I work is so inconveniently far away)

12:30-almost 3: drafted out my lab report and did some research for it; had lunch

3:30-5: listened to this public lecture that I didn't half understood, but that's okay

5:15-6:30: had a huge iced chai and chatted with Stephen about random stuff. Too bad Jenna wasn't there today, since three slightly weird/crazy/cool people are better than two.

6:45-8:30, I think: met Bhuvani, chatted around a little bit, and went to the Casino Night thing in Coffman. It was actually quite fun :)

I came home to find that the book I ordered has arrived! I was planning on working on my lab report a bit, but I decided I'll leave the whole of TOMORROW to deal with that. One day is fair, isn't it? (I'll figure out next week onward from that point)

So tonight is saved for Thomas Nagel's A View From Nowhere. Based on two articles/papers that I've read, this guy is definitely my favorite and most influential philosopher. And listen to the most awesome part: this guy is still alive! Whoaaaaa!

Anyway, I read the intro of this book online and so excited to read this book! Time to read and get ready to be really hard-working tomorrow! :)

Well, okay, after I take care of my cat.

Song of the post is what I've been listening to a lot in the past few days: Cobra Starship's "Living In The Sky With Diamonds." To be honest, this was the song that popped into my head during the first week of school at the moment I knew this was going to be an amazing semester. It was probably after my philosophy class. So it has come to represent happiness, and I guess I'm quite happy right now because life is overall good and I have an awesome book to read (after dealing with the cat)!!

Sometimes

It snowed today, and I loved it. I had to be outside quite a lot, so I have every right to say that. In fact, I'd have every right to love the snow even if I don't have to be outside, but I don't know if I'd actually love it if I did not need to deal with it so much. Complicated sentence summarized, I love snow, and I realized I judge people a little based on whether they love or hate snow.

Today wasn't such a great day for me, grade-wise. I got C's in my psychology and biochemistry exam, although a C in biochemistry would be an F (which stands for effing horrible) in another class, whereas a C in psychology is still okay. I have homework grades to help me with psychology, so I am not too worried. I'm studying harder for biochem next time, so hopefully I won't have to inflict pain upon something. Just kidding, I don't do that kind of thing anyway (duh, did I even have to assure you I don't?)

I watched about a third of the lectures for the next exam last weekend and read two chapters today for three hours. The exam is next Friday, so hopefully I'm doing a good job at keeping up. I hate grades so much. They unnecessarily make people feel like shit when in reality, you don't need super awesome grades to do super awesome things.

By the way, good news for me, philosophy club is on Thursday this week, so I won't have to make a compromise with the YMCA.

Today I was listening to Noisettes' "Wild Young Hearts" album while studying at Wilson. My favorite song of theirs right now is "Sometimes," which you should listen to. The vocalist makes the group seem kind of wild, but this song is really calming. Well, the sound of it is. The lyrics put me in a reflective mood, which is more on the sad side. But I love it anyway.

Sometimes by Noisettes

I am an island underneath the setting sun
In an ocean that is churning
For all I know there might be nobody nearby
Still, the world, it keeps on turning

And when that sun goes down
It gets brighter in my heart somehow
I don't know why this is
But it's what I want to know

Sometimes we start over
And go solo
We're looking for
That summer home
Beside the sea
And for the future

Since I left you I'm a gold balloon that wanders high
I won't sing through rainbows and showers
Taking lovers just might keep my tears at bay
But they can break at any hour

By candle-light you seem
To deepen in your mysteries
Confusing forces move
At the tides of these seas

Sometimes we start over
And go solo
We're looking for
The ones we've hurt
Just to forgive us
In the future

Sometimes we start over
And go solo
No metaphors
Are needed from
This time onwards
In the-

Sooooome
Oooooooh
Aaaaaaah
Oooooooh

And when the sun goes down
It gets brighter in my heart somehow
I don't know why this is
But it's what I'd like to know

Sometimes we start over
And go solo
We're looking for
The ones we've hurt
Just to forgive us
In the future

Sometimes we start over
And just go solo
No metaphors
Are needed from
This time onwards
In this song

All right, time to read for philosophy.

Never Forget You

On Friday I met up with Jenna and Stephen, who are definitely in my unofficial list of favorite people ever. It's a little nostalgic, really. I can't believe it's been a year since our intro to philosophy class. I remember when philosophy was fun and simply inspirational. Now it's more like a challenge for me. It's not that I don't like it anymore--I still love it. I guess I haven't been reading the stuff I'm really into lately, but is going to change because I read a preview of one of Thomas Nagel's book and ordered it today.

I read the preview while I was supposed to be research-hunting a few days ago. Yeah, about that, I found some research projects I'd actually would be very interested in working on. I actually am hoping I could start at least volunteering in a lab next semester. I'll see how that goes.

Today was my last day volunteering at the WRC. It was sad. I complain about squirrels all the time because sometimes it gets overwhelming when there are so many to feed (actually there was only about 3 weeks where it was actually busy). But squirrels are so lovely. It's sad that you feed them and they still grow up to growl at you anyway, but that's for their own good, I guess. I love squirrels.

As I was leaving the WRC, I finally had the chance to read the quote that was framed in the volunteers lounge (if that's what it's called).

"We need another and a wiser and perhaps a more mystical concept of animals. Remote from universal nature, and living by complicated artifice, man in civilization surveys the creature through the glass of his knowledge and sees thereby a feather magnified and the whole image in distortion. We patronize them for their incompleteness, for their tragic fate of having taken form so far below ourselves. And therein we err, and greatly err. For the animal shall not be measured by man. In a world older and more complete than ours they move finished and complete, gifted with extensions of the senses we have lost or never attained, living by voices we shall never hear. They are not brethren, they are not underlings; they are other nations caught with ourselves in the net of life and time, fellow prisoners of the splendour and travail of the earth." - Henry Beston

See, this is one of the reasons why I like biology. I'm a humanist--I admire the greatness of human achievements and value all these qualities that make us different from other creatures. But sometimes you just have to take a step back and realize that there's a bigger world out there. I don't agree with any system of belief that pretend humans are intrinsically above everything else--in the eyes of God or whoever. Plants really fascinate me in the philosophical sense, by the way.

Okay, so I finally got to catch up on some TV shows. I really wish I watched more shows. There seem to be a lot of good ones out there. I want to watch one of those geeky ones so I can be more of a geek, haha. But somehow I end up watching stuff like Gossip Girl, which is good entertainment. One Tree Hill is still my favorite, mainly for the music and the deepness (depth?). I over-analyze everything and get so much out of the simplest things.

It's late (past 2 AM), so I'm going to sleep after maybe watching one more episode of Gossip Girl, haha. Tomorrow will hopefully be a productive day of biochem, logic, and biology. And hopefully I'll get my philosophy reading assignment for Tuesday before Monday afternoon this week. Jeez.

Here's a good song that inspired the title of this post: Noisettes' "Never Forget You"

Two Birds

My head feels funny. I'm not exactly sick, and I don't even have a headache. But I feel like it's half there. My head has been feeling sluggish for most of the past few days. Come to think of it, I haven't been actually sick for years already, but I've experience this "half sick"-ness from time to time.

I didn't think this was going to be a busy week, but I stayed up late on Monday night studying for a cognitive psychology exam, Tuesday night reading articles for biology, and Wednesday night reading and summarizing a philosophy article. Right now I have to look up three faculty members who are doing research in an area I find interesting for my gateway to research seminar. Well, it's more like finding research I find interesting AND understand--that's the difficult part. I hate to say this, but I'm sick of reading scientific articles. They're just too complicated for me at this point. I've had to read way too many so far this semester. I love the world of academia, but sometimes I'm overwhelmed.

So that's on the agenda. I'm excited about working on a research project though.

Right now I have a time conflict. Y-Scholars meet EVERY Tuesday at the exact time as philosophy club. I'm torn because I don't want to choose at all, so I might have to run from one to the other. I just hope they understand.

And I got another student to tutor! So now I'm dealing with chemistry, organic chemistry, and physics. Honestly, I'm happy to be doing all these things that help others--tutoring and volunteering. Screw having a perfect GPA. It doesn't limit me from what really matters. In conclusion, the Honors Program is dumb. And I'm still a hypocrite because I'm still considering applying.

You know, listening to music is helping my head quite a bit. I think I'm ready to go research-hunting again. My album of the week is Regina Spektor's "Far." It's been on repeat for the past few days. I love every single song.

Okay, time to get back to work.

Sometimes Life Isn't Easy

I'm tutoring physics tomorrow. I'm nervous but also excited because physics is math-based and math is kind of my tutoring specialty.

For my gateway to research seminar, I have to look up three faculty member that I would like to work with in their research project. Another nervous and exciting thing. I don't understand any of the research papers I tried to read. Damn you neuroscience for being so complicated and technical. I might look up some psychology research I could do.

Before the end of this seminar, we'd ideally get ourselves into research for either spring or summer, or some other time but I'm definitely aiming for either spring or summer. Actually, it might be summer just because of other things I'm already involved with during the regular semesters. I have to take Biol 2003 and 2004, Genetics, a philosophy class (haven't chosen one yet), and --difficult decision here-- either another philosophy class or something that fulfills a liberal education requirement. Ideally, it'd be a philosophy class. But I still have three requirements to meet. ARGH. I don't mind them requirements. I just have so many other classes I want or need to take too!

This is an extremely nerdy list to make, but if I could have 10 majors I'd do these:

1. Neuroscience
2. Philosophy
3. Psychology
4. English
5. Linguistics
6. History
7. Mathematics
8. Physics
9. Chemistry/Biochemistry
10. Computer Science

(History of Science would be on the list if it were a U of M major and not just a minor)

And I'd minor in a zillion things.

See, I know that in the future I don't ever want to escape the academic environment. I want to do research. I want to get a PhD, possibly multiple PhD's. I don't want to be in the "real world." It scares me.

I hate the idea of a "career" career. Like, something you do simply to get good money to sustain a life. I'm living a life right now. Don't you stop and think about it sometimes? That all this being tired from school work and everything else you think will help you in the future are your life. It's the real thing, not just some preparation for something bigger. It is THE real thing.

I'm feeling good right now, like the "life is all right" and the "I'm not vulnerable" kind of good. I should entertain myself for the night. Maybe I'll watch a movie or read some philosophy.

...I'm still so in love with Mew. Such an amazing band :D

So I realize the title of this post is ironic, since this post was about good things. But it's a song by Mew and I personally I think the lyrics speak of life in an optimistic way. Here we go, here we go...

Bang Bang You're Dead

That's to this week. I'm officially done with it. THANK GOODNESS. Let's recap a little:

Monday - Biology + lab from 10:40-3:50, then meeting with group from 4-5, then I had to get home early and wait a little bit and we went out to dinner, where I finally got to eat for the first time since morning. We got home at 9:30, and I was so so so tired but I had to write a summary of one very confusing article for philosophy. I decided to go to sleep at 11 something and woke up early to work on it.

Tuesday - Came home late and studied hard for the biology exam.

Wednesday - Exam + lab + paper to write + some other homework (this was probably the most relaxing day of the week) + biology group stuff

Thursday - Biology group assignment due at midnight. OMFG. I love my team though. All nine of us were online at once to deal with everything perfectly. We're such a happy family. Then it was studying for biochem, which went badly because I only had TWO hours of sleep last night. Damn you online class. I learned 80% of the stuff yesterday because I've been putting it off.

Friday - Biochem exam. I totally guessed on one part but my reasoning seemed perfect so I'm hoping it's right. I realized I'm good at memorizing structures and numbers, but I had noooo clue how to answer the paragraph questions. So naturally I BS'd it. Then it's time for the take-home part of the biology exam. I seriously did it as quickly as I could because it was annoying and I was so so so so sick of all the school work already!

And now I'm finally free and my brain is confused. FREE TIME? Really?

...of course I should be studying or something... ugh.

Electric Twist

Wow, I can't believe it's still Tuesday. It's been such a long day, and I don't mean that it's boring. Let's see, I got up at 7 am to finish my philosophy homework. I left home at about 10:20 and went to put my HEAVY biology textbook in my locker and had no time to grab breakfast so I decided to head off to psychology right away. That's when I ran into Mae :)

Psychology. Philosophy. Then it's food for the first time that day. It was a REALLY enjoyable slice of pepperoni pizza.

After that I headed to study for my biology exam tomorrow. I was productive, I think. I even memorized the structures of 9 amino acids (for biochem) during the 30 minutes when I thought I wasn't going to do anything--is "not doing anything" even allowed anymore? Anyway, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to memorize all 20 amino acids, among other things, in time for Friday, but I guess ochem trained my brain to do stuff like this well.

6:30-almost 10: philosophy club. Without understanding most of what was said, I got so much out of the talk. I knew more about the study of philosophy in general and I got more ideas of what I need to read up on.

Now it's back to studying biology (i.e. back to reality) after I'm done with this post.

Sometimes I feel that being a neuroscience/philosophy major confuses people into respecting me, which is good for me--it's good to be respected, but I'm really not as intelligent as people think I am at all. On the one hand, I don't mind at all because I know that I'm not someone who gets the best grade yet contributes to the learning process of others by tutoring or even just discussing homework. On the other hand, I seriously wish I were more intelligent!

...which is why I need to go study right now... and listen to A Fine Frenzy's "Bomb In A Birdcage" album.

Float On

Here's how my day went:

I missed the bus and had to wait outside in the nasty wind for an extra 30 minutes. I only needed to be on the bus for about 5 minutes, and then I had to walk for about 15 minutes. I barely made it to class.

The good thing is that I'm really liking my Biol 2002 group. I would admit that not everything we do during concept lab is that helpful, but my group is pretty awesome.

I had a busy day. I left home at almost 10 am, and from that time until 9:30 pm I had only an hour and a half of free time. The only food I had between morning and 7:30 was a disgusting muffin from a vending machine in the Biological Sciences building. Next time I should just run over a few minutes to grab a pizza or something.

I have to admit I felt like I was going crazy a few hours ago, but now I feel less tired and I think I can study for at least five more hours. My class tomorrow starts at 11:15 so I don't have to wake up very early.

Y-Scholars is starting next week, and I think I might have to tutor another student (physics). So definitely more stress over what I already have, but I think I'll be okay.

This post is called "Float On" because that song (by Modest Mouse) is on my mind right now, and I guess the content of the lyrics go along with my optimism of the moment well. Go listen to it :)

Okay, time to study (read for philosophy, watch videos of biochem lectures and memorize a bunch of stuff, and study for biology)

And drink chai. Drinking chai is like telling myself I'm going to study hard for the hours to come.

First post!

I decided that instead of posting Facebook notes, I'll just make a proper blog instead. The content would be mostly college/future/goals-related, since those are the things I can afford to rant a whole lot about these days. But there's always room for philosophy, music, and other worthwhile topics :)

The title, description, etc are all lines from the song "Beach" by Mew, which is probably one of the bands that has inspired me most in the past few months. The lyrics relate to growing up (among other things), so it's appropriate for the original purpose of the blog, I guess. Check it out.