Run

You know that bittersweet feeling when the year ends? Yeah. Today I was on the verge of crying because it was my last day volunteering at Sheridan and we had our last Y-Scholars seminar of the year. I miss it all so much already because the group means so much to me. I was sad at the beginning of the year when so many people from last year left--though it's because they graduated or really had no time. This year it's the same. It's nice when people move forward in their lives, but I can't help wishing we'd still be together. Not just Y-Scholars, but everyone in general. We're always so busy and never have enough time together, and one day it goes away.

I have my V-Staff interview next year. I'm already excited for Y-Scholars next year when Ariel and Goly are going to be Coordinators and Nick, Ben, Louise, and I are going to be V-Staffs. I'm so excited for next year overall.

But darn it, I can't let it go. I loved this semester and this year overall so much. How can college be half over? I don't want it to be.

I'm declaring my philosophy major tomorrow. That's pretty exciting. On Friday I will be meeting with a professor to discuss me volunteering in lab. That's pretty exciting as well. Well, nervous and exciting for both.

Hey, guess what? Today I finally had something to say in my philosophy of quantum mechanics class, and the professor went on for 20 minutes about it. I felt so proud of myself. Seriously. How far have I come since the first day of that class? :P

With each and every one of my experiences in college, I'm starting to formulate that ideal me I'd like to become. Or what I want to do in life.

I want to know so much. That part is for sure and was for sure for a while now. At least I was sure of it when I decided to double major in philosophy right from the first day of the school year. I knew it when being a CBS student hurts over and over again but I still wanted to major in neuroscience because I just want to know so much about the brain and the mind. I just want to research, research, research, and research.

But my experiences tutoring and volunteering with Y-Scholars made me realize that I love teaching so much, and that I want to be a good leader.

"If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more, and become more, you are a leader." - John Quincy Adams

I saw that quote today while browsing through inspirational stuff (I was feeling inspired and nostalgic), and it so truly describes what I want to do and become. Sometimes I get so frustrated over how I'm not assertive enough to affect students at my school sites more. When students say they hate everything about school, I wish I could have changed it. When I meet those students over and over again, I really never go on for too long without wonder what has become of them and what good things I truly wish for their lives. Has so-and-so been accepted to college? If not, what is she doing? What's going on in their lives?

"Leadership is communicating to people their worth and potential so clearly that they come to see it in themselves." - Stephen Covey

Actually, I chose the title of this post because "Run" by Nada Surf is about being inspired. In Stephen Covey's book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, he mentioned how he taught his little kid to share with others by first teaching her what it means to have. I thought about how true this is, the fact that giving is about knowing what it means to have. I want to learn and know so much because knowledge means something so great to me, and because of that, I want to teach; I want to give it to others. At one point, I've already made the decision that I want to go to graduate school because I don't like the idea of medical school and I really want to avoid work work. But as I learn more about the research world and how much I love teaching, it's as if going to graduate school and becoming a professor, as well as an intellectual, is what I need to do. It's what I want to do.

And it's so scary to have that feeling. That feeling of knowing what you want to do.

I really am hoping that I might be able to volunteer teaching English this summer with MNIC, but with volunteering in lab, taking Calc III, and doing some philosophy groups with Scott and others (I had the idea of forming a writing group and he said we should do it, and he might continue his reading group)... I don't know if I can do it. Really depends on my lab schedule, though to be honest, I really want to put everything into learning about research.

I should get a good night sleep. No class until 11:40 am on Wednesday, but I could use a really good night sleep anyway.

Lift Me Up

Today's post title comes from Kate Voegele's song, "Lift Me Up." I'm surprised I haven't used this title yet, since this song has meant so much to me since I've first heard it in the summer of 2008. Bolded my favorite parts of the lyrics.

This road is anything but simple
Twisted like a riddle I've seen high and I've seen low
So loud, the voices of all my doubts
Telling me to give up, to pack up and leave town

Even so, I had to believe
Impossible means nothing to me, yeah

So can you lift me up,
Turn the ashes into flames
‘Cause I have overcome
More than words will ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come
When the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun

Somewhere, everybody starts there
I'm counting on a small prayer,
Lost in a nightmare
But I'm here, and suddenly it's so clear
The struggle through the long years
It taught me to outrun my fears

Everything worth having, oh
Comes with trials worth withstanding

So can you lift me up,
Turn the ashes into flames
‘Cause I have overcome
More than words will ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come
When the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun

Oh, lift me up
Oh, lift me up
Oh, lift me up
Lift me up
Lift me up
Oh, Lift me up

Down and out is overrated
And I need to be elevated
Looking up is not enough
No, I would rather rise above

So can you lift me up,
Turn the ashes into flames
‘Cause I have overcome
More than words will ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come
When the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun

Oh, oh, oh, just begun
Lift me up, yeah, oh, oh, oh, yeah, now
Oh, oh, lift me up
Lift me up
Lift me up

-------------------

This week has been good. Really good. I got some replies from professors I've contacted, so I'm feeling more hopeful about actually getting a lab to volunteer. On Tuesday, I volunteered at Feed My Starving Children with Y-Scholars, and that was a great experience. Thursday was good. Having coffee with Dan while listening to him tell me about his lab experience was something I really needed. Philosophy club went well. Not to mention how my independent project for Biol 2004 is going well too. Measuring the concentration of 32 yeast cultures wasn't exactly my idea of fun today--and we'll have to do it two more times--but I'm glad the experiment is working.

The semester is ending, and I'm a little glad. But I just don't want to let go of it. I started out hating the semester so much because of the hard work and how missed last semester, but I've come to love it all. And I don't want any of it to go away. Moving forward is so hard. To be honest, I wish I could be a college student for the rest of my life. I can't believe it's already going to be half over.

Only Fooling Myself

Okay, so the song in the title is about something else, but the phrase alone is appropriate for what I'm about to say, I think...? (Awesome song, by the way: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sY9hFX39cM0)

This morning I woke up to an email of bad news, which is an email from the student board that they couldn't offer me a position. I don't care too much because CBS is full of crap to begin with, but rejection still sucks. I thought my application was okay, at least.

To hell with them, but now I'm just questioning whether I'm really doing enough. I mean, I don't know what else I can really do if I'm not because I work 9 hours a week in the prep room; I volunteer with the University YMCA at only ONE site but without a car and with seminar the same night, I'm booked for pretty much most of 2-8 pm on Tuesdays; I have a decent load of classes--including upper-level non-CBS classes, and I also contribute a decent amount to group works in Biol 2003-4; as of last week, I'm tutoring from 7:45 pm to whenever on Tuesdays--which means I rush out of Y-Scholars seminar early to Bierman.

I'm not going to include Philosophy Club in that mess because it's actually more therapeutic for me than anything. It keeps me sane; and I love philosophy majors, really. But I do read and put time into it.

...I guess I do have Thursday afternoons free and I'm done by 2:15 pm on Fridays when I don't have to do work for Biol 2004--which is like 50% of the time, and I'm free until 11:40 am on Wednesdays. Otherwise I have stuff going on from 8 or 8:30 am til at least 5 (with a little lunch break every day--THANK GOD).

Oh, and my grades are okay.

Maybe it's not this semester that is the issue. Maybe it's the fact that I didn't really do much my freshman year, other than almost going crazy with one of my Y-Scholars site Spring '09.

I'm just frustrated with the idea that I'm possibly not doing enough and I don't know what else I can give because this semester I drink like 7 cups of coffee every week and I sleep for only 5 hours most nights. Still, I fall asleep in genetics for about 10-20 minutes 80% of the time and I get so close to falling asleep almost every day in philosophy of quantum mechanics--though I can't sleep because it's a little class and the teacher is less than a yard away.

Next year I'm planning on taking 20 credits, if my research plans work out and I can do 3 credits of directed research. I'm going to pretty much have a stressful job at the prep room because I still don't know why in the world they think I can replace Melissa when she graduates. I'm possibly going to be a volunteer staff for Y-Scholars because I love the group so much.

The biggest decision I have to make right now is whether I want to keep tutoring. It hurts me more than it benefits me because I have to put time into preparing for tutoring sessions, and it takes me time to walk to the far side of campus, and I get paid decently but I never recorded any time when I wasn't in Bierman... which means I actually don't earn much at all. But I just don't want to quit. Plus, sometimes it's really rewarding. Last semester I had less issue with worrying about grades because helping others made me realize that I didn't need to be a genius to be appreciated.

And I want to do directed research (hopefully I'll get to volunteer this summer--if I don't, I'm screwed).

*sigh* It's times like these when I'm so thankful for philosophy. What would I do without philosophy?

I wish I had more time to read philosophy, but no, science wants your soul and all of it.

You know, now that I looked at my schedule again, I can't do it all. I can't do Y-Scholars, work, tutor (technically also work), and do directed research.

I need to throw one of the last two away. I might just volunteer in a lab for less hours to compromise like I always do. Jeez, I need to learn how to quit.

Not again...

You know what ruined my day? Me coming home late (like 9-ish) and my mom asking me if I've stayed at school late to tutor. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but I hate it when parents assume you're always doing something school-related, as if to imply that you should. Annoys the hell out of me.

I really hate it when parents assume they have to tell you to do your homework or study. I mean, it's my future. I KNOW. And I don't always hate it.

Gaaah. I don't want to bother complaining anymore. I stopped writing this and did something else, so now I can't finish, haha.

But yeah, frustration.

New Terrain

I might have used this post title before, but it's Mew's "New Terrain," one of my favorite Mew songs ever. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GdxNxGOGx4

Okay, I should be working on my yeast paper, but that sucks the joy out of my day so I'll take a little break. Today's lab was actually fun. Is it crazy to say I love my group (to a certain extent) even though I obviously do more work than everyone else combined? I mean, we do have fun in lab, and I don't mind doing the work, so it's all good. So maybe I'm just crazy for enjoying the work.

I also love being a leader, not really the part where I boss people around (I actually hate that), but the part where I take responsibility and have that good influence on others.

So spring is here. It's wonderful. I can't help being nostalgic and reflective when a new season starts. I listen to playlists from the past and memories rush back to me all over again. No, not just memories, but all that I can't describe in words. College is almost HALF over, how weird is that? Most of what's been on my mind lately is just the whole "what's next?"

But that's been frustrating, so how about talking about the nearer future instead? Here are more plans:

Summer 2010:
1) Volunteer in a lab. I'm going to devote as many hours as I need to, to learn all I can about being part of a lab, whichever specific lab I end up in.
2) Stop being so lazy about tutoring. Mike said there are student-athletes taking summer classes, so I'll get back to tutoring if I can. Since I now have a better idea of what subjects I tutor (chemistry and physics, mostly), I'm going to make little guides on important skills, like unit conversions.
3) Work on Linear Algebra.
4) Learn everything I can about working in the prep room... because next year I'll have to know it all.
5) Read more philosophy. Read Darwin's Origin of Species

Summer 2011:
Hopefully get into a research program. Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory is one of my top choices because it seems like an amazing place, plus James D. Watson is there. Having written my term paper for philosophy of biological sciences on how the discovery of the double-helix transformed biology, I would be so honored if I get the opportunity to meet the co-discoverer of DNA. I think I would die.

If I can do all this, I'd be proud of myself. I'm afraid of underachieving, but it happens from time to time. I just want things to be right, according to my plans.

World Spins Madly On

Change of plan because CBS Student Services (ugh) won't let me sign up for Cell Biology. I happily decided I'll take Linear Algebra (aka Calc IV) instead. I'm excited because I LOVE math, and this is the math they used in quantum mechanics, at least in my philosophy of quantum mechanics class.

Last night I tried looking at grad schools and as usual, things don't turn out well. I feel like it's all so beyond my abilities. Not only that, I also question whether I really want to study certain things. I'm definitely looking at something neuroscience-related, but I don't know what branch of neuroscience I want to focus on. Do I want to focus on molecular/cellular neuroscience or the more computer-related stuff, or cognitive neuroscience? Jeez, is it naive to say I just want to know everything about the mind and the brain? See, it's not even just limited to neuroscience; I want to learn about it from the most abstract perspective (philosophy) to the most scientific (neuroscience).

Looking at grad school programs just made me confused all over again. Where's the clarity I thought I had?

Oh, and last week I definitely had one of those CBS-hating moments. Thank goodness for philosophy, and mostly, for philosophy club. Sometimes it frustrates me how intelligent yet mindless CBS students are--none of my friends, of course, but many of the others. Philosophy keeps my mind from rotting away, seriously. There's so much more passion in wanting to learn and everything. There are times when I'm sick of analyzing every darn thing to the point I'd almost tell someone if something they say isn't logically coherent (and risk getting weird looks), but overall, I don't know what I'd do without philosophy. I'd go crazy, that's what.

So now I'm studying for genetics even though the next midterm is two weeks away. Bad grades hurt. I didn't exactly put in much effort into the last midterm, and that's why it hurts so much--I could have done better. So this time I'll do better.

Last night I watched the latest episode of Life UneXpected. It's such a sweet episode. I'm disappointed they play songs that are way too new for me to be able to get on iTunes though. I wanted The Weepies' "Add My Effort" so badly, but from their twitter, it seems that the song is pretty much brand new.

Anyway, the title of the post is another of The Weepies' song.

Listen to it

I love it so much. It just gives you the sense how as quickly life goes on no matter how stuck you are, and how you're bound to miss out on other things, yet you can't move on anyway. I can't relate to this at the moment, but in relations to how fast time keeps moving, maybe...? Sometimes I wish I could just stop time for myself. I wish I could sit and think, or even sleep and let my mind wander away from school and all that for a bit.

Doing the Unstuck

The Cure's "Doing the Unstuck" is awesome. I've never listened to it but I accidentally clicked on it in my iTunes library last night.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9zvk15rlcE (I don't know what's with the title in the video, but it's the same song)

Last night I attended CBS' GRE to PhD event, which was pretty informative but also made me so nervous about grad school application. Luckily it's not like I'm pressed for time since I'm only a sophomore, but now I feel like I want to start studying for the GRE this summer because I really want to do well.

I don't even know what I want to study yet, but right now it's either neuroscience, molecular biology, or cognitive science. I'm more aiming towards the last one right now because 1) it's a combination of so much that I'm interested in (neuroscience, philosophy, psychology, linguistics, etc)--it's like a dream come true for me, and 2) as much as I love biology, some people that can't think beyond medicine and health sciences frustrate the hell out of me sometimes. But I don't know if I want to study more neuroscience before I move on to cognitive science. I might just aim to try to take a lot of upper-division neuroscience courses here before I graduate.

Registration is coming up soon (3 weeks--way too far away actually), and GradPlanner current looks like this:

Fall 2010: Intro to Neuro. I, OChem Lab, Scientific Thought, Intro to Ethical Theory, and a history of science class because I love science and I still need to fulfill lib.ed. requirements

I'm personally scared about having TWO writing-intensive philosophy classes at the same time, especially because ethics is one of those branches in philosophy that I haven't read much on. I'm so so so excited for Scientific Thought though. Oh, and I'm super pumped for neuro I!

Spring 2011: Intro to Neuro. II, Zoology/Animal Phys.+Animal Diversity Lab OR Animal Behavior (I need both, but I'm pretty sure the won't work at the same time because those St. Paul classes conflict so much), ideally some literature class (lib.ed.), a philosophy class, and I really really really want to take Calc III because I need a "strong math record" for cognitive science

Fall 2011: Neuro Lab, an upper-division neuroscience class, Calc IV, and I think I want to write my senior paper for philosophy then too, and some other stuff (maybe take care of my last lib.ed.)

Spring 2012: An upper-division neuroscience class, Zoology/etc. or Animal Behavior (depending on which I take in 2011), and the rest is up to me, really...

Of course I have to insert directed research in somewhere, and I might want to take stats, some linguistics class, some upper-division cognitive psych class, some computer science class or ANYTHING cognitive science related.