Caught In A Life

This is not the right time for it at all, but I'm worried about next semester. I'm worried because I've taken on another load: a 9 hr/week lab position that, along with my schedule, means I have to be on campus by 8 four days a week.

Of course I am still tutoring and volunteering with Y-Scholars. I might work things out with my boss at the MAC if I can be a drop-in tutor and thus get more regular hours there.

I don't know, I'm stressed. I was worried about this semester initially, but the reason it went okay is because I don't have to wake up super early. I'm worried that I'm not going to be okay. I'm worried that I'll end up getting sick and messing everything up. I'm worried that I'll fail a class.

But I don't want to give anything up. As of a few minutes ago, I decided not to work at the bookstore at the beginning of the semester anymore, and even that made me feel like crying (over being worried about everything). Part of what has prepared me to be confident and pumped for each semester has been working at the bookstore ever since my very first semester in college, when I was still upset because things had not gone the way I wanted them to--not getting into CBS and not being able to live on campus.

I talked to my mom about possibly living on campus, but as usual, it just won't work. I don't know why I keep thinking about it when I come to realize it's out of the question each time. Especially now that I have Sam--I can't just leave a cat with my parents.

I just don't want to give up anything.

But if I do crash and die next semester for overworking myself, at least it'd be for something I value. And that seems like a good way to go.

Ugh. Sorry, I don't mean to be all depressing and dark. Nothing bad is going to happen because the things I love doing make me happy, and happiness is energy. Plus, I thought this semester was going to be the death of me, but I got used to it.

I just wish my parents understand everything more. That I've worked so hard and pushed myself so much. That it takes so much faith in myself to do everything I do, because I really am not that confident at all. That I'm able to do so much because I have great friends that make me happy and motivated to live life to the very fullest. That my life is amazing because I do the things that are meaningful to me and because I know the most wonderful people in the world.

Unfortunately, some adults live in a different world. I swear to all the greatness in the world that I'm not going to be like that in the future.

Song of this post is Donkeyboy's Caught In A Life