Hawaii Dream

"Hawaii Dream" by Mew

No more stories...
Are told today...
I'm sorry...
They washed away...

No more stories...
The world is grey...
I'm tired...
Let's wash away...

This is one of the most beautiful songs I've heard in a long time.

Listen here or an awesome live here

It's amazingly calming and reflects one of those moments so truly. You know, one of those moments where you could be happy or sad or whatever, but you just want a break from the complications of life. Like take a break from it all and relax somewhere.

I have so much to get done. I need to send out emails to faculty members, requesting for a volunteer position in their labs; that means I need to read their research and actually understand what's going on. It's a matter of finding ones I can understand, really.

And of course I have a lab report and my philosophy term paper to write. They're not all due right after break (THANK GOODNESS), but I know it'll take a lot of work.

Then we have that group poster for biology to work on.

And of course I should be studying biochem.

Exciting stuff, but I wish I'm not so pressed for time.

I'm tired
Let's wash away

You Don't Have A Clue

It turned out to be a good week. Studying for that biochem exam was an intense experience. I was so nervous like I have to give a speech or something, haha. Finishing up the research proposal with my biology group was fun. It was really fun. There's four of us that do most of the collaboration, but I think we're a great team. I'm so proud of our work. Hence the cookies I baked to class on Wednesday morning.

Gosh, I love college life so much. I love biology. I keep learning about how amazing it is, and that is pretty much the topic of my philosophy term paper. On Wednesday after class, I headed over to Borders and found a book by James Watson called DNA:The Secret of Life. It's an amazing book, really. I was a little shocked to read about eugenics, especially the whole deal with the Holocaust. But the science is really something. Biology affects society so much. It's all so fascinating.

Academic-wise, my life is amazing.

Family-wise, I'm not so sure. I just excused myself away from the Thanksgiving dinner that has been going on for a few hours because no one was talking to me anyway and because I was referred to by my mom as a kid who needed to go study. There was too much said at the dinner table that I did not agree with. Cultural differences; ideological differences; plain ignorance; too much. The bottom line is that my mom proves to me more strongly every day that she knows nothing about what I value or who I really am.

I work hard most of the time academic-wise, and she has no clue. It's not about getting a good job in the future. I study because I love to study. I love biology. I love philosophy. I love so many aspects of the various fields I had the opportunity to explore. I am a student and a future academic, and I see that to be what defines me. When I introduce myself to someone in college by saying that I'm a neuroscience and philosophy major, I feel that it speaks more about me than any other few words ever could (except maybe my name, but that would require that you know me at least a little already).

As the title of the post says, you don't have a clue, mom. You don't have a clue.

I'm listening to great music (finally bought Rubik's "Bad Conscience Patrol" album) and continuing with Watson's book to erase all the frustration I've faced for the past few hours. I'm going back to the stuff that inspires me and has always inspired me.

And ignoring the ignorance. I would talk, but that's not how some people operate.

I hope other people's Thanksgivings were good.

This Is Me, This Is You

Today I was listening to Marit Larsen's "The Chase" album while studying for my biochem exam (yeah, that beast). It's such an amazing album. I loved "If A Song Could Get Me You," but somehow I never paid attention to the rest of the album. I can't pick a favorite, but if I had to choose this one would be one of them: This Is Me, This Is You

Friday turned out to be good. I was so so so tired for most of the day, and I felt like biochem was going to slaughter me. Anyway, Tea Garden with Mae was amazing. I'm glad we got to catch up on lots of stuff, and I'm glad my mom forgot about me (yeah she did) so I was at school even longer. I didn't want to come home quickly because I know I'd be dead tired. When I finally did, I quickly had dinner and then went to sleep right away. It was supposed to be "early" but it was like 11:15 pm, which is not too bad.

I woke up at 2 am because I was dead thirsty. Then Sam was ridiculously noisy with his meowing. I was just like, shut up, I'm sure I filled your bowls of food and water before I went to sleep!

Most of the day was spent studying for biochem (obviously). I think I'm making good progress. I do love biochem, I'm not going to lie. It's one of those things that seem way above my ability--I simply could not see how I am going to learn and memorize all this information by Monday. But I'm definitely making good progress, and I'm ambitious about this exam. It's going to be good, or at least I hope.

I decided to switch my schedule up a little. I added Great Literary Works of Scandinavia, since Philosophy of Psychology is full, and I should be getting some lib. ed requirements done anyway. After this there would be only two left. Oh, and the literature seems super interesting, since we get to read fairy tales by Hans Christian Andersen and a philosophical novel by Soren Kierkegaard.

Plus, I've been obsessed with Scandinavia. I mean, look at the awesome musicians out there: Mew (Denmark), Marit Larsen (Norway), Rubik (Finland), and Peter Bjorn and John (Sweden).

I'm still half-debating whether I should go to school tomorrow at 2:30 pm to meet with my Biol 2002 group. I have to get to school at 5:30 pm anyway for tutoring. I want to study biochem as much as possible--I know I'll need all the time I can have. But they're awesome people and if I don't make it tomorrow, I might need to meet with them on Monday night or something, and I'd be dead busy then too. Hmmm... tomorrow it is then.

I've been thinking of about winter break, and this is not too good, haha. Ah, we need snow already!

Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of

I am somehow disappointed, angry, and ambitious. It's a weird combination of feeling; I love the ambition, and I guess anger is fine. I just hate disappointment.

I don't even want to go into why I'm feeling the first two, but what I'm ambitious about is conquering the upcoming biochem exam.

I haven't had much time to listen to music at all; somehow this song has been stuck with me a lot this week.

U2 - Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of

I'm putting this on repeat while studying biochem, seriously.

edit: umm, yeah the title of this post doesn't match the URL because I changed it, haha

ANYWAY, I'm feeling a little better. This song is magical.

I'm not afraid of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find a decent melody
A song that I can sing in my own company

I never thought you were a fool
But darling, look at you
You gotta stand up straight
Carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere, baby

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I will not forsake the colours that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks, they left you with nothing
I am still enchanted by the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears, through your eyes I can see

And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now, my, oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm till you discover how deep
I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass
And if, and if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass
It's just a moment
This time will pass

In The City

I had a long day. I went to sleep at 2:30 am because I was up studying biology, working on philosophy, and going outside my house to watch the meteor shower (I saw 3). Went to sleep and got up a little before 8. Had class from 11:15-2, then I went to Sheridan with some fellow Y-Scholars (we had to transfer buses at Nicollet Mall; I love downtown). Got back at around 5, and I relaxed a little until almost 6. Y-Scholars seminar from 6:30-around 7:30. Study session with awesome people from my biology class from 8-almost 10.

Got home less than an hour ago.

Yeah, long day, but it was amazing. Being at a school site inspired me again. There's still a part of me that wants to do something related to education because I love teaching and learning. I love how much potential a student has; the possibility is endless and they just have no idea, but hopefully one day they will realize it. I love the school experience--the college experience is even better. I love the world of education and academia, period.

There were parts of the day that was not so good. Perhaps there is some misunderstanding with someone, and I really want to fix it. I've been so busy, and I'm still going to be so busy, but I won't bury my head in books and forget about everything else.

I'm incredibly tired right now, but there is more biology to study.

Post title comes from The Jam's "In The City," because I love the city. Haha.

City and the Streets

Today I went shopping. I, as usual, could not resist buying a book when I walk into a bookstore, especially if it's a used book. I got a hardcover copy of Oliver Sacks' The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat, since my psychology teacher keeps bringing up his name. I wish I had more time to read. There are books I've bought and not yet read (or finished). There are books I had heard of that I'd love to read. A lot of what would be on the list are philosophy books, which are so darn difficult to read.

I came home and realized I have about $25 left before the amount of my money goes down to a level I don't ever want it to be. Yikes. I mean, I keep my account way above what I'd really need, but I still don't like this. I was going to make an Amazon order of various books and CDs. Of course, I ended up not doing that. *sigh*

I'm getting paid soon, and by the end of the week I would be submitting in another paysheet, plus I'll be getting my allowance. I just don't want to rely on that and decide to spend money freely, you know?

I decided to count my huge bowl of coins and realized I have at least $30 in coins, so I'm seriously going to pay everything in coins until they disappear. Well, maybe the quarters and dimes. I don't want to overdo it. Those things are heavy to carry around.

...did I mention that Passion Pit's "Manners" and Rubik's "Dada Bandits" albums are super amazing? See, I wanted to grab Rubik's older album off iTunes, but I can't, arrrgggghhhh...

Rubik - City and the Streets

Change

I'm happy. As if the semester hasn't been going well enough, today was seriously amazing.

You know one of those days where u have coffee/tea with a great friend (or more than one)? And it's not exactly super warm outside but you're just running (or walking fast) all over with a great friend? Talking so much about things that other people won't understand (and making fun of each other)?

I'm in love with life.

I'm also happy because I watched one biochem lecture (but jeez, it took forever because I paused to take notes from almost all the slides), I think I did a good job with our biology assignment, I saw Mae and got the bracelet she made :), I'm seeing Jenna and Stephen tomorrow and getting FREE COFFEE, and philosophy class was also super awesome today. I'm going to miss all the wonderful things associated with this semester so much. I don't even want to THINK about the time when I'll graduate or anything. Can everything just stay with me here in Minneapolis for the rest of my life? College is so amazing.

Here's a happy song for the post:

Change by Taylor Swift

And it's a sad picture
The final blow hits you
Somebody else gets
What you wanted again
You know it's all the same
Another time and place
Repeating history
And you're getting sick of it

But I believe in whatever you do
And I'll do anything to see it through
Because these things will change

Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up
To hold us back
Will fall down
It's a revolution
The time will come for us to finally win
We'll sing hallelujah
We'll sing hallelujah, oh

So we've been outnumbered
Raided and now cornered
It's hard to fight
When the fight ain't fair

We're getting stronger now
From things they never found
They might be bigger
But we're faster and never scared

You can walk away
Say we don't need this
But there's something in your eyes
Says we can beat this
'Cause these things will change

Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up
To hold us back
Will fall down
It's a revolution
The time will come for us to finally win
We'll sing hallelujah
We'll sing hallelujah, oh

Tonight we'll stand and get off our knees
Fight for what we've worked for
All these years
The battle was long
It was the fight of our lives
But we'll stand up, champions tonight
It was the night things changed

Can you see it now?
The walls that they put up
To hold us back
Fell down
It's a revolution
Throw your hands up
'Cause we never gave in
We'll sing hallelujah
We sang hallelujah
Hallelujah

In My Life

Human relations is such a beautiful thing. I'm referring specifically to friendship.

Have you ever gotten to know someone and felt like you've known them forever after just a few conversations? It's like, if our lives aren't so busy and complicated, we would probably take the time to talk on forever about everything out there--everything in our lives, everything in the world.

This semester I've experience such friendship. I'm experiencing it, I should say. We had two conversations that probably lasted about 20 minutes each, and then we sorted of drifted apart (partly because of one little complication). But it's like the connection that formed quickly back then never faded away. When we get to talk even just a little, it's like we've known each other forever. I feel like I understand and appreciate the person the way others probably don't. I can be so open and honest, and I don't know if the feeling is mutual, but I really value this connection we have.

I'm reflecting on this because I'm really happy about today. I think we're getting closer once again.

I have such wonderful friends, even though I don't see any of them enough because of our busy lives and all. I used to think that the ideal version of myself is one that is completely independent, but in the past few years I've come to learn that I am happiest when I know that I have people I can rely on, not just when in trouble (I'm rarely in trouble) but to make me feel inspired and not lonely. It can be just from seeing little things on Facebook and whatnot. You know, just knowing they're there in your life, in some way or another.

People aren't meant to be alone. Believe me, I've experienced some very lonely years in the past 4 years. I can honestly say that life changed for the better because of the amazing people that walked into my life and those that I've gotten to know better throughout the years.

But I am scared of losing people from my life. I am scared of a new semester replacing my current life where I see people I see in my everyday life this semester. I know there are things that probably won't go away, but I'm afraid of little friendships turning into awkwardness.

But there is still time, and I'll live it and appreciate it, and I'll encode these wonderful days into my memory (with the help of great music--they really do help).

Aren't there times when you wish life could go on forever?

Anyway, bed time. I'm dead tired.

...Beatles' song reference in the post title. Awesome or what?

Friday I'm In Love

One of my favorite songs ever ever ever ever ever.

I don't always look forward to Fridays because I have a lot of free time and it's the weekend so I feel obligated to do a lot of work (and not waste the time).

But yesterday I realize it's great to chill a little. I only have one class that is just a 1-credit/S-N seminar on getting into research. It's pretty fun. My professor was extremely hilarious yesterday. We were discussing lab safety, and she made it so funny (and awkward sometimes).

Met up with Stephen (and sadly no Jenna again) at Mapps as usual. I love that place. It's a coffee shop on the West Bank, if you don't know. I met some of Stephen's friends and later we went to another of his friends' apartment. Haha, I won a game of poker. I'm proud of myself. It was really fun. Reminds me how I need to have more of a social life (and encourage someone else to do so as well).

I took the city bus home at night (late at night) for the first time. It wasn't a big deal. I mean, I saw a drunk person doing weird things like walking into the middle of the street and then coming back to the sidewalk when a car comes by, and then kicking stuff into the street. But overall it was fine.

Tomorrow I have to tutor for at least three hours (three students one right after another--physics then chemistry then physics again. I don't mind though. By the way, if you search for my name at the university website, they actually list my job at the MAC down under my profile. It's so cool :)

Tutoring rocks. Seriously. I mean, ideally I'd like to do a better job. But individualized attention in learning is an amazing thing. One of these days I'd like to read up on the philosophy of education.

Oh, and philosophy club next week! Except... I might have to skip a Y-Scholars seminar to go, but I'm more inclined to go to phil. club...

Start To Melt

Mediocre test scores ruined my day. Seriously. I don't know what bothered me more, the test scores themselves or the fact that they weren't that bad but I'm upset over them. I felt like a failure earlier today.

I have to admit that I haven't been trying my best lately, even though it's not like I get to sleep before 1:30 AM anymore. I finally got assigned a school site for Y-Scholars, and I got three more tutor requests in the past week. I only declined one because it is at an inconvenient time, but I told the person to contact me back if none of the other tutors are available. I don't know why I did that, really. I'm going crazy as it is.

I mean, I live at home but I had a meal with my mom for the first time in at least a week because each of us is so busy, but it's mostly me having weird eating schedules and, yeah, being busy.

The good news is that I'm really proud of my biology write-up. Now I'm working on polishing up my resume for my gateway to research seminar.

Post title is Peter Bjorn and John's "Start To Melt," simply because it's amazing and it's been in my head a lot lately.

Little Secrets

I'm listening to Passion Pit's "Little Secrets." An appropriate title, sort of, because I discovered/realized something quite horrible about myself today: I have a bad relationship with coffee. I feel more confident when I'm "high on caffeine," and this morning I deliberately had a huge cup of coffee just to get that effect, and it was achieved; I spoke up a lot in my psychology class. It even felt a little weird because when I was talking I feel like I was hearing someone else talk. But I felt smarter and more confident, and overall I know I like that "me" more.

I mean, it's just coffee (it's debatable what "just" really entails here).

But isn't this the exact same reason people do drugs/alcohol? It's scary when I think about it.

Good thing philosophy gives me the same effect sometimes. Philosophy is physically harmless (and mentally healthy, I would argue).

Time to work on biology.

Live Forever

This is how I feel right now. Haha, I know this doesn't say much without me going into the details, but I don't feel like going into the details. All I will say is that it's not a new feeling at all. This song has been with me ever since I heard it during the summer.

Live Forever by Oasis

Maybe I don't really want to know
How your garden grows
I just want to fly
Lately did you ever feel the pain
In the morning rain
As it soaks you to the bone

Maybe I just want to fly
I want to live I don't want to die
Maybe I just want to breathe
Maybe I just don't believe
Maybe you're the same as me
We see things they'll never see
You and I are gonna live forever

Maybe I don't really want to know
How your garden grows
I just want to fly
Lately did you ever feel the pain
In the morning rain
As it soaks you to the bone

Maybe I will never be
All the things that I want to be
Now is not the time to cry
Now's the time to find out why
I think you're the same as me
We see things they'll never see
You and I are gonna live forever
We're gonna live forever
Gonna live forever
Live forever
Forever

Radiants

Much of this weekend was put into working on an assignment for Biol 2002. It's quite a pain, but I'm proud of myself. It feels amazing to be putting in tons of citations, all of which are scientific papers. It's pretty cool.

I discovered one of the most amazing bands I've heard in a long time (and I've discovered lots of great bands this year).

Check out Rubik. They're a Finnish band, but the songs are in English. Their "Dada Bandits" album is AWESOME! No, seriously, you need to listen to it. My favorite songs are "Radiants," "No Escape," and "Wasteland," but the entire thing is really really really really good. I can't stop listening to the album.