All I Want For Christmas Is You

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I was such a happy person today. I went out around my house and took pictures of the snow. Then I built a snowman. It wasn't even really cold outside. When I came into the house, I felt like the house was way too warm, like I've adapted to the colder weather outside. :P

I want to reflect on my life, but random things always distract me. Tonight it was more just not -feeling- the past. I tried to force it out by listening to music I know I've associated with certain memories (I have my own Fall 2009 playlist).

Then I got distracted by a facebook conversation that has been going on and off for almost 6 hours now, so... there goes that.

I hope your holidays are going greattttttt!

Caught In A Life

This is not the right time for it at all, but I'm worried about next semester. I'm worried because I've taken on another load: a 9 hr/week lab position that, along with my schedule, means I have to be on campus by 8 four days a week.

Of course I am still tutoring and volunteering with Y-Scholars. I might work things out with my boss at the MAC if I can be a drop-in tutor and thus get more regular hours there.

I don't know, I'm stressed. I was worried about this semester initially, but the reason it went okay is because I don't have to wake up super early. I'm worried that I'm not going to be okay. I'm worried that I'll end up getting sick and messing everything up. I'm worried that I'll fail a class.

But I don't want to give anything up. As of a few minutes ago, I decided not to work at the bookstore at the beginning of the semester anymore, and even that made me feel like crying (over being worried about everything). Part of what has prepared me to be confident and pumped for each semester has been working at the bookstore ever since my very first semester in college, when I was still upset because things had not gone the way I wanted them to--not getting into CBS and not being able to live on campus.

I talked to my mom about possibly living on campus, but as usual, it just won't work. I don't know why I keep thinking about it when I come to realize it's out of the question each time. Especially now that I have Sam--I can't just leave a cat with my parents.

I just don't want to give up anything.

But if I do crash and die next semester for overworking myself, at least it'd be for something I value. And that seems like a good way to go.

Ugh. Sorry, I don't mean to be all depressing and dark. Nothing bad is going to happen because the things I love doing make me happy, and happiness is energy. Plus, I thought this semester was going to be the death of me, but I got used to it.

I just wish my parents understand everything more. That I've worked so hard and pushed myself so much. That it takes so much faith in myself to do everything I do, because I really am not that confident at all. That I'm able to do so much because I have great friends that make me happy and motivated to live life to the very fullest. That my life is amazing because I do the things that are meaningful to me and because I know the most wonderful people in the world.

Unfortunately, some adults live in a different world. I swear to all the greatness in the world that I'm not going to be like that in the future.

Song of this post is Donkeyboy's Caught In A Life

Down River

Tomorrow is the last day of the semester. Today was the last day of philosophy (and psychology--I didn't go because it was just a Q&A session). I have a biochemistry exam tomorrow, which would mark the official end of the class. I looked over the material and it doesn't seem too hard, thanks to Biol 2002's heavy emphasis on DNA. So I'm not frantically studying or anything.

What am I doing instead? I'm thinking about how great the semester has been, listening to the music that has been with me all this time, and probably going to cry.

I don't know how to explain it. I don't know how much context I'd need to give. I don't know how much in my life I have to backtrack to, to fully explain how much the past three months mean to me. This is probably the millionth times I've tried to explain it, but it's still not coming out right.

One thing I'm sure about is that there are too many people I'll miss so dearly. I will admit that it breaks my heart that Team 2-12 will no longer be Team 2-12. It is with the team that I've learned what biology is through working on something that we initially thought was way beyond our abilities. I'll always remember and be inspired by this experience the way my ambitions in philosophy traces back to the fun times with Jenna and Stephen (and the others) last fall. I'll miss my philosophy class so much as well.

Last week during my last time volunteering at Sheridan this semester, I was watching the middle school soccer game and the kids cheering for their team, and I couldn't help but think how fun and wonderful school is--and the kids don't even realize it. I don't blame them; I didn't realize it as clearly when I was in middle school. But it is definitely so much fun. Even right now in college, I still think it's so much fun. I guess it's different in huge lectures, but in classes where you get to interact with amazing people, it's really something. This is why I try to avoid big lectures. I'm glad I have two small philosophy classes (as well as Biol 2003/2004) next semester. It's going to be amazing even if I'll be completely nostalgic about this semester for a long time. It's going to be amazing in its own way.

Great news is that our philosophy study group is reunited again to prepare for the final exam next Monday! This excites me so much. Study groups are so much fun with the right people.

I just don't want it to end!!! Arrggggh. I wish I could relive some of the greatest times of the semester: the time Team 2-12 were all online at once to discuss the project, the two other times we were actually there together to work on the poster and to prepare for the presentation, the crazily intimidating times at philosophy club, the philosophy study group, the seminars at the U-YMCA, the fall cleanup at the most beautiful house ever, ...as well as the ordinary everyday things like walking into the St. Paul campus when the weather was still nice, and some other stuff I forgot to mention (like the times I felt like going crazy because of the intense studying, not to mention going to sleep at 8 AM because of the philosophy term paper)

Come to think of it, maybe a big part of it was something that happened on the very first week of class. On the first day, I had psychology and philosophy. Psychology was just a lot of intro stuff, but philosophy was different. We played a game that helped us remember everybody's name. We also went around the room saying what our each of major was. I walked out of the class thinking about how fun philosophy is for me, and how much the fun has inspired me. Scott, who I just met that day, talked to me and asked me if I'm a neuroscience major (I was the only one in the class). I said, "Yeah... but I'm also thinking of double majoring in philosophy." The following class, I ran into him again while waiting for the bus back to the East Bank. I told him I've decided to double major in philosophy--I started introducing myself as a "neuroscience and philosophy double major" to people from that day on. We had lunch and talked about a bunch of stuff. A great friendship has formed right there, but it got a little complicated because of some issue. Things have been better though, and we've gotten closer especially since last week.

I'm not religious, but I pray to God he doesn't ever see this, by the way. I'm so sarcastic and I give him a hard time almost all the time. It's embarrassing, but I'm sure many people (including Team 2-12) know that I'm not mean-spirited in any way (and based on pretty much everything, I'm sure they know).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm thankful for the wonderful friendships made this semester. I wish I've gotten to see "old friends" more often, but life gets in the way, and the very reason I'll have to say goodbye to "new friends" is again, life.

Life is bittersweet.

So I discovered The Temper Trap the other day, and I thought "Down River" is an amazing song. Listen:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2DluY5xnPo

Down River by The Temper Trap

Finally we have seen some things
Some awfully nice
Some dreadfully bad
But we will sing
Wash the blood off our knees
'Cause our love breaks through rough seas
Our ship will sail
And I don't understand how this world would work
'Cause time will tell us nothing
I'll take a chance on something

Feeling old, feelings this time take you
Down river, down river, down river, down
Walk these stairs, put the pieces back together
Go, don't stop, go, don't stop,
Go, don't stop now, go

Finally, we have seen some things
But bells in your hallways
Don't move you in the right place
So we will sing, cast our hopes out to sea
Through our hearts break,
Through violent winds our ship will sail
And I don't understand how this world would work
'Cause time will tell us nothing
I'll take a chance on something

Feeling old, feelings this time take you
Down, river, down river, down river, down
Walk these stairs, put the pieces back together
Go, don't stop, go, don't stop, go, don't stop
Go, don't stop now, go...

Let Your Love Grow Tall

I keep wanting to write a reflection about how my this semester means to me, but the words aren't coming out. I want to write about how it's been a wonderful three months where I've pushed my limits and realized how limits can be illusory--people are capable of so much more than the think they are.

Words aren't coming out though. I've felt a little zombie-ish lately.

But it'll come to me because good times don't die. Hopefully I'll be well motivated to prepare for finals soon. It's biochem, psychology, philosophy, then biology. It's an oddly ironic order, really. I'm super glad to be done with biochem. Neutral about psychology. But philosophy and biology... I can't believe they're going to be over. I just can't accept it. I've had such wonderful times. *sigh* If only I had the right words to really say how grateful I am for the past three months.

So how about I talk about something else that's been on my mind since a few days ago.

Where is the balance between emotional independence and dependence? I feel like love and trust involves the realization that you need that someone else; love involves trusting someone with your heart. In a way, having independence is like wearing an armor and holding a weapon to battle whatever comes to hurt you. But love means putting that weapon down and taking the armor off, and letting yourself become vulnerable to someone else. You can't put just a little part of your heart into it and call it love. It doesn't mean much if you're not willing to pour your whole heart into it.

Is it worth the risk? I mean, why let yourself become vulnerable, right? ...but how many opportunities have we let slipped because we're scared of getting hurt or scared of the consequences?

Where's that balance? Or do we keep juggling and moving along the rope, since the show goes on as long as the balls don't drop and we don't fall.

I have to admit I've forgotten how it's like to just be completely in love with someone (whatever the definition of love may be), and it's mostly because I've become a stronger and more emotionally independent person. But at the same time, there's been someone (right from the beginning of the semester, really) that's been making me question all of this more and more.

"Let Your Love Grow Tall" by Passion Pit

In pastures blue and green
I'll follow you and you'll follow me
My fabric's mystery
I'll wave your loyalty in the freezing breeze so desperately

And another one comes down
And another one comes down
And another one comes down

I think I see my life
He bows all slyly and gentle-like
He's never had the right
But I've never lived without his sad and jealous eyes

And another one comes down
another one comes down
another one comes down

They say "Let your love grow tall"
"Let your love grow tall"
Tall as the grass in the meadow?
Or the dunes on the shore?
Like the buildings in the city?
And your children on the floor?

But it's the thought that counts
No, quiet minds don't know their worth
They know now what to do
So I'll pray for them
And I'll pray for you till my face turns blue

And another ones comes down
And another one comes down
And another one comes down

They say "Let your love grow tall"
"Let your love grow tall"
Tall as the grass in the meadow?
Or the dunes on the shore?
Like the buildings in the city?
And your children on the floor?
Like the darkness in the forest?
Like my frightened worried eyes?
Or the roots in the soil?
Are these skies telling lies?

Life Is Wonderful

Yesterday I was "bored to the point that I could die." It got better when I came home and relaxed in front of the couch and watched "Ratatouille" then "Awakenings" (two of my favorite movies ever--"Awakenings" made me cry).

But if boredom and loneliness serves a purpose, it is to reach out to others. I asked Scott if he wants to hang out, so we decided to meet up for lunch today.

Except this morning was kind of a mess. The frame of my glasses broke, so I freaked out and tried to fix it. I missed the bus, so I had to wait 30 more minutes (at home--no way was I going to stand out there and wait). Then I lost my hat because I forgot I had placed it on my lap while I was in the bus. I stood up and walked out, and that's when I realized I forgot it.

Anyway, met up with Scott and things turned out well, except I'm so awful to him, haha. I'm serious, we've had a discussion where we told each other how we could go about killing each other (my awesome idea was to suffocate him with a stuffed animal). But our friendship is really something. I love how each relationship you have with someone is unique from others.

I went to my last ever Biol 3700 seminar. It was a little sad. Dr. Jane Phillips is so so so amazing. I'll miss her :(

Later I went to tutor. Ummm, Phys 1301W was the task. Obviously, I wasn't the most helpful tutor in the world because I didn't take that damn class. But my student appreciated me and wanted to meet again. (Maybe because I figure stuff out almost from scratch--going back to the textbook and explain stuff as I'm figuring them out. So I'm not intimidatingly smart or anything)

Then I headed home, except I stopped at Blockbusters first and rented a few movies.

Right now it's a movie night all by myself. It's quite relaxing, really. I'll make a call later on so I won't be too lonely.

It's a wonderful life.

Haha, yeah, I actually rented "It's A Wonderful Life" too.

Brooklyn

Here's how my week has been going:

Monday night - worked on my philosophy term paper until like what, 8 am in the morning? I slept from 8-11 am, then ran to the bus to get to my 12:45 class (philosophy).

I missed the bus so I had to walk a few blocks to take another route. No, I didn't get to eat breakfast. Yes, it was an intense morning.

It was an intense paper. I'm scared because I wrote on something the professor published, and I argued that his account is incomplete. Definitely crossing my finger on that one. I'm proud of it to the level that it's something I'd research more on and revise if it matters, really. It's 3997-word (lol I was 3 words under the maximum word limit, not including references and footnotes) analysis of how the discovery of the double-helix structure of DNA transformed biology. I wish I could have written more, actually. Condensing the history of genetics (and more) into 15 pages was like stuffing a hundred textbooks in a backpack... or something.

Anyway, I couldn't take a nap right after because I had volunteering at Sheridan (for Y-Scholars). It was so fun. Laura, Caitlin, and I stopped at the gas station across the street from the school to grab hot chocolate and coffee because it was so cold outside--it was a wonderful kind of cold though (or at least I thought it was). The kids were allowed to play in the gym, so it was a relaxing day. I like how one girl got all middle-school-y on us volunteers. She was like, "I know you like Shane. I know you like Mike. I saw you looking at John a lot." (These were the people that were either volunteers or staff there--lol, I was like "Who's John?") That girl was going to yell out "_____ likes _____" but it was super loud in the gym anyway so no one would have really heard.

Oh yeah, and Laura and I "almost died." Haha, not really. They were just having an indoor soccer game there and we were sitting on the sideline, and the ball came right around where we were so often.

It was fun. I'll miss the kids, though I'll be there next semester! Can't wait :)

Then later that evening there was the Christmas at the Y. It was our last seminar of the semester. Darn, this semester has gone by too fast. I can't believe it's over. No, really, I don't want it to end at all. *sigh*

...

Winter is beautiful. This morning seemed like a Starbucks morning, so I went and get a pumpkin spice latte. Later on in the afternoon I felt like it was still time to sit in a coffee shop and watch the pretty white grounds outside, so I decided to take the bus downtown to the public library around Nicollet Mall, since one bus there comes straight to the front of my house anyway. I had a LARGE chai latte. Awesome. I should hang out and study there more often.

As for the post title, it's from Wakey! Wakey!'s song "Brooklyn." I heard it on this week's One Tree Hill. It's an amazing song :)

Click: http://www.lala.com/#song/937030210442818802 (War Sweater will play, so you have to click on Brooklyn below... other songs are awesome too though)

The Saltwater Room

by Owl City

...
Time together isn't ever quite enough
When you and I are alone, I've never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
Only time, only time

When we're apart what ever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?
All the time, all the time
...

That is all.

Lions!

Oh wow, shall I recap how my Tuesday went?

3:30 am - I went to sleep. (I did take a nap from 6-9 pm, but I had 3 hours of sleep the night before.)

7:46 am - I woke up. Yes, I set my alarm at weird times.

that until 11:15 - Showered, ate, read for philosophy, took care of my cat, hopped on the bus, got distracted by my iPod touch for about half an hour, and then walked to cognitive psych.

11:15 to 2:00 pm - class

after class till 5:00 pm - got on the buses to Sheridan (my school site for Y-Scholars) with Caitlin, got there super early, stayed there for about an hour, hopped back on the buses (we had to transfer, hence the plural).

5:00 to 5:45 pm - planned on breathing a little, but then I checked my email and my tutoring schedule for the next few weeks pretty much shot me in the head. But I got back up because bullets don't hurt me :)

5:45 pm - bought a fruit cup and juice (what a redundant "meal") and walked over to the Y to chill and talk to anyone who happened to be early for seminar

6:30 to 7:30 pm - Y-Scholars seminar

7:30 to 8:15 pm - sat down and checked my email and Facebook, and planned my philosophy paper at Bordertown Coffee. What a cozy place.

8:30 to 10:00 pm - tutored at the MAC. It was an amazing session because 1) it was physics and I usually don't like physics, 2) I didn't even remember learning the stuff I "taught" today but, 3) I figured things out really quickly just by looking at the book for a few minutes, and 4) my student-athlete was so sweet. She was so motivated to learn and understood things easily. I'm so proud. Not sure more of her or of myself, but whatever. I'm proud.

Got home being extremely glad I finished my biology lab report early. I would have not wanted to work on that after such a long day.

So now I decided to relax a little.

It was a great day, by the way, if you couldn't tell. I still stand by what I told Keion today at the Y-Scholars seminar: classes are going great, and I know I'm probably not getting a 4.0 this semester, but I'm glad I put my time into all the stuff I got involved in (Y-Scholars, tutoring, etc.) rather than study so hard just to get perfect grades. It's worth it.

I've been thinking a lot about what Dr. Masino told our Biol 3700 class(Gateway to Research seminar) a few weeks ago. I was half asleep throughout the class, but I remember this one thing he said, that he chose neuroscience but it could have anything else in biology; any class he took was what he wanted to do for the rest of his life.

Spoken like a true academic, which is exactly what I want to become.

I've come to realize that just because I choose neuroscience and philosophy, it doesn't mean I can't pursue my interest in everything else. I've come to realize that it's never in my intention to ever to devote myself to one thing in life. I want to learn so much at such a high level, but I can never walk away from those that still at the beginning of the journey that is education--I love tutoring and mentoring people who just need to make it. There are those that get tutors because they want guaranteed perfection, but there are some that just need to make it because physics or chemistry or whatever is really not their thing. There are those that make it their goal in life to get into the most prestigious colleges, but there are more that don't even know if they can go to college. In either case, I think a little time put into helping the latter type can make so much difference. That's why I think it's worth it. I aspire to be a great academic (as a scientist and a philosopher), but I don't want to lock myself up in a lab or in a room full of intellectuals and be blind to the world out there.

I don't even know what I want to "do with my life," but my wish for myself and the world is an open-mind through education. I don't think everything that's happening right now in the name of education is true education. I didn't know what biology, or science, for that matter, really is until a few months ago. I didn't know the discovery of DNA was such a beautiful story--so beautiful it hurts.

I've rambled on quite a bit, and I'm really tired so I don't know how much of that made sense. It wasn't a waste of time though, since I decided to relax a bit during what's left of tonight. I'm not going to regret this.

While writing this, I was listening to Lights' "The Listening" album. The song that never caught my attention much suddenly stood out to me. It was, as the post title suggests, "Lions!"

Now, I read that it's about World of Warcraft, which I'd say is some weird game I'd never care to play, but I still this line is amazing:

You don't have to feel safe to feel unafraid.

iPod touch!

Haha, so I got an iPod touch and am now just being completely distracted before class posting from it. This thing is way cool though.