Only Fooling Myself

Okay, so the song in the title is about something else, but the phrase alone is appropriate for what I'm about to say, I think...? (Awesome song, by the way: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sY9hFX39cM0)

This morning I woke up to an email of bad news, which is an email from the student board that they couldn't offer me a position. I don't care too much because CBS is full of crap to begin with, but rejection still sucks. I thought my application was okay, at least.

To hell with them, but now I'm just questioning whether I'm really doing enough. I mean, I don't know what else I can really do if I'm not because I work 9 hours a week in the prep room; I volunteer with the University YMCA at only ONE site but without a car and with seminar the same night, I'm booked for pretty much most of 2-8 pm on Tuesdays; I have a decent load of classes--including upper-level non-CBS classes, and I also contribute a decent amount to group works in Biol 2003-4; as of last week, I'm tutoring from 7:45 pm to whenever on Tuesdays--which means I rush out of Y-Scholars seminar early to Bierman.

I'm not going to include Philosophy Club in that mess because it's actually more therapeutic for me than anything. It keeps me sane; and I love philosophy majors, really. But I do read and put time into it.

...I guess I do have Thursday afternoons free and I'm done by 2:15 pm on Fridays when I don't have to do work for Biol 2004--which is like 50% of the time, and I'm free until 11:40 am on Wednesdays. Otherwise I have stuff going on from 8 or 8:30 am til at least 5 (with a little lunch break every day--THANK GOD).

Oh, and my grades are okay.

Maybe it's not this semester that is the issue. Maybe it's the fact that I didn't really do much my freshman year, other than almost going crazy with one of my Y-Scholars site Spring '09.

I'm just frustrated with the idea that I'm possibly not doing enough and I don't know what else I can give because this semester I drink like 7 cups of coffee every week and I sleep for only 5 hours most nights. Still, I fall asleep in genetics for about 10-20 minutes 80% of the time and I get so close to falling asleep almost every day in philosophy of quantum mechanics--though I can't sleep because it's a little class and the teacher is less than a yard away.

Next year I'm planning on taking 20 credits, if my research plans work out and I can do 3 credits of directed research. I'm going to pretty much have a stressful job at the prep room because I still don't know why in the world they think I can replace Melissa when she graduates. I'm possibly going to be a volunteer staff for Y-Scholars because I love the group so much.

The biggest decision I have to make right now is whether I want to keep tutoring. It hurts me more than it benefits me because I have to put time into preparing for tutoring sessions, and it takes me time to walk to the far side of campus, and I get paid decently but I never recorded any time when I wasn't in Bierman... which means I actually don't earn much at all. But I just don't want to quit. Plus, sometimes it's really rewarding. Last semester I had less issue with worrying about grades because helping others made me realize that I didn't need to be a genius to be appreciated.

And I want to do directed research (hopefully I'll get to volunteer this summer--if I don't, I'm screwed).

*sigh* It's times like these when I'm so thankful for philosophy. What would I do without philosophy?

I wish I had more time to read philosophy, but no, science wants your soul and all of it.

You know, now that I looked at my schedule again, I can't do it all. I can't do Y-Scholars, work, tutor (technically also work), and do directed research.

I need to throw one of the last two away. I might just volunteer in a lab for less hours to compromise like I always do. Jeez, I need to learn how to quit.