Run

You know that bittersweet feeling when the year ends? Yeah. Today I was on the verge of crying because it was my last day volunteering at Sheridan and we had our last Y-Scholars seminar of the year. I miss it all so much already because the group means so much to me. I was sad at the beginning of the year when so many people from last year left--though it's because they graduated or really had no time. This year it's the same. It's nice when people move forward in their lives, but I can't help wishing we'd still be together. Not just Y-Scholars, but everyone in general. We're always so busy and never have enough time together, and one day it goes away.

I have my V-Staff interview next year. I'm already excited for Y-Scholars next year when Ariel and Goly are going to be Coordinators and Nick, Ben, Louise, and I are going to be V-Staffs. I'm so excited for next year overall.

But darn it, I can't let it go. I loved this semester and this year overall so much. How can college be half over? I don't want it to be.

I'm declaring my philosophy major tomorrow. That's pretty exciting. On Friday I will be meeting with a professor to discuss me volunteering in lab. That's pretty exciting as well. Well, nervous and exciting for both.

Hey, guess what? Today I finally had something to say in my philosophy of quantum mechanics class, and the professor went on for 20 minutes about it. I felt so proud of myself. Seriously. How far have I come since the first day of that class? :P

With each and every one of my experiences in college, I'm starting to formulate that ideal me I'd like to become. Or what I want to do in life.

I want to know so much. That part is for sure and was for sure for a while now. At least I was sure of it when I decided to double major in philosophy right from the first day of the school year. I knew it when being a CBS student hurts over and over again but I still wanted to major in neuroscience because I just want to know so much about the brain and the mind. I just want to research, research, research, and research.

But my experiences tutoring and volunteering with Y-Scholars made me realize that I love teaching so much, and that I want to be a good leader.

"If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more, and become more, you are a leader." - John Quincy Adams

I saw that quote today while browsing through inspirational stuff (I was feeling inspired and nostalgic), and it so truly describes what I want to do and become. Sometimes I get so frustrated over how I'm not assertive enough to affect students at my school sites more. When students say they hate everything about school, I wish I could have changed it. When I meet those students over and over again, I really never go on for too long without wonder what has become of them and what good things I truly wish for their lives. Has so-and-so been accepted to college? If not, what is she doing? What's going on in their lives?

"Leadership is communicating to people their worth and potential so clearly that they come to see it in themselves." - Stephen Covey

Actually, I chose the title of this post because "Run" by Nada Surf is about being inspired. In Stephen Covey's book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, he mentioned how he taught his little kid to share with others by first teaching her what it means to have. I thought about how true this is, the fact that giving is about knowing what it means to have. I want to learn and know so much because knowledge means something so great to me, and because of that, I want to teach; I want to give it to others. At one point, I've already made the decision that I want to go to graduate school because I don't like the idea of medical school and I really want to avoid work work. But as I learn more about the research world and how much I love teaching, it's as if going to graduate school and becoming a professor, as well as an intellectual, is what I need to do. It's what I want to do.

And it's so scary to have that feeling. That feeling of knowing what you want to do.

I really am hoping that I might be able to volunteer teaching English this summer with MNIC, but with volunteering in lab, taking Calc III, and doing some philosophy groups with Scott and others (I had the idea of forming a writing group and he said we should do it, and he might continue his reading group)... I don't know if I can do it. Really depends on my lab schedule, though to be honest, I really want to put everything into learning about research.

I should get a good night sleep. No class until 11:40 am on Wednesday, but I could use a really good night sleep anyway.